Today’s guest post comes from Kevin Haggerty of The Isle of Man. Somewhere beneath his unapologetically sarcastic humor is a soft heart, I’m almost totally sure. I hope you’ll enjoy his verbal road rage and let out a little of your own. –Tamara
A little while ago, I wrote a post on my blog called “Top Signs You Might Be a Jerk.” It detailed some of the tell-tale determiners that may point to you (or someone you love) being…a jerk.
It was all in good fun, but I touched a few nerves. So I’ve decided to scale it back a tad (which is a unit of measurement somewhere in between a “smidge” and a “wee bit”).
I’m done with calling people jerks. I’m way more mature than I was a few weeks ago. I’ve moved on to pointing the finger at a different segment of society:
They’re everywhere. But the place where they stand out the most is the road. Specifically, behind the wheel.
There’s really no hiding when you’re steering a two-ton weapon of death. If you’re an idiot, people are going to know.
They’ve got guides for everything these days. “Doing your taxes for dummies.” “How to make a bicycle using origami…and a Bic lighter.”
I thought I’d get into the act and write my own. I’m passing it on to you, free of charge.
Here it is, without further ado: “An Idiot’s Guide to Driving.”
So you want to be an “Idiot Driver?” Who can blame you? Ignorance is bliss, and if you follow these quick and easy steps, you will be elbow deep in bliss before you know it.
Here they are (in no particular order):
1) Drive under the speed limit as often as possible. It’s been socially acceptable since the invention of the microwave to always go at least the posted speed limit, but that’s not a trend you’ll be following anytime soon. No. You’re the safest driver in the universe. If the sign says “35,” you’ll be doing “30.”
You especially want to adhere to this ideology if you’re on a one-lane road and the cars behind you are unable to get around you. That’s their problem. It’s very important to remember this one fact if you’re going to go any further: “The world revolves around you!”
2) If you ever actually get to a point where the now enraged driver behind you is able to pass, don’t be cool about it. Don’t let them go ahead of you. It’s personal. You need to teach them a lesson and be the pace car for planet Earth. Wait until they get next to you, then, just like Russell Crowe in Gladiator, “unleash Hell!” Floor it. That’s right. Put that accelerator all the way to the floor. They’ll have no other option than to quickly dart back behind you, which is where you want them to be. You’re number one. The top dog. Don’t let them forget that.
Nothing will remind them of this more than when you ease that speed right back down to “30” as soon as their maneuver to “play through” has subsided.
3) You know that rod coming out of the left side of your steering wheel? It’s a lane change or turn indicator. When you move it up or down, it makes your rear blinkers activate, signaling to the people behind you what your future plans are. It helps them plan accordingly and, often, avoid accidents.
Again, not your problem. You turn when you want to. If that means they end up in a ditch or just straight up grinding down their break pads, that’s their deal, not yours.
If you really want to go above and beyond the call of duty, make sure you glare at them incredulously when they honk or drive by looking at you angrily. Signaling is for suckers, and you, my friend, are no sucker.
4) When you get to an intersection with a 4-way stop sign, just sit there and act super confused. It’s too hard to discern which car got to the intersection in which order, so just kinda “feel it out.”
When you do this, you are certain to receive the same kind of responses that came your way after “Step 3.” Don’t let that thwart the gameplan. You gotta dance with who brought you. Stick with what works. We’re committing to this, full throttle. Don’t back out now.
5) Tailgate people, even when you are able to pass them. It doesn’t matter if there’s an available lane. Your job is to make life as miserable as possible for everyone else on the road.
Follow your heart, even if it leads you into the back seat of someone’s Buick.
Summary: At the end of the day, you just gotta “do you.” If that means causing traffic jams, so be it. If that means being the driving force behind a 13-car pile-up, c’est la vie. It’s your tree, we’re all just living in it. We’re lucky you don’t charge us rent.
What else would you add to the guide?
Kevin Haggerty is a 32-year old husband and expecting father. He runs and writes for a humor blog called TheIsleOfMan.Net. For his full-time job, Kevin is a middle school teacher and basketball coach. He also writes for a mixed martial arts (MMA) blog called MMAMania.com. He’s the oldest of seven children, a continual skeptic and smart people think he’s funny.