Today’s guest post comes from my close friend Sarah Hamersma. Sarah and I enjoy late-night Perkins dates together where we laugh a lot, cry a little, and talk at length about religion and relationships (like everyone else) and about psychometrics and grammar (like no one, ever). And one of the best things about a friend who is comfortable in her own skin is that it lets you be comfortable in yours. –Tamára
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“There’s one more girl you won’t be gettin’.”
-Young MC, “Bust a Move”
“There’s one more guy we won’t be getting.”
-Me and my college roommate, when the Blockbuster guy had to tell us we were late in returning Jem and the Holograms
*****
Given my interests, I had the potential to be mercilessly teased in high school. I was academically oriented, and my extracurriculars included playing in the pit orchestra for the fall musical, pioneering our school’s mock trial team, and participating in the occasional Quiz Bowl or Math League event. I even spent one unholy year going to Student Senate twice a week at 6am. By far the coolest thing I did was play trombone in the jazz band (which had groupies among the kids in regular band).
What happens to a person like this? My friends with kids – especially kids who might be considered somewhere on the nerd spectrum – are perhaps rightly concerned about what life could look like for a teenage brainiac. Here’s the thing: I had a great time in high school. My friends and I would get together and play Trivial Pursuit – often with my parents (whom everyone loved). We sometimes played Monopoly in German to get extra credit for our German class. We had formal political debates at lunchtime. My best friend and I attended the first (and only?) convention for fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000. We loved all of it.
Happily, things didn’t change when I got to college. My randomly-assigned roommate and I were kindred spirits from day one. Our dorm room wall was a mix of Brad Pitt and Star Trek posters. We listened to music from the 1940s. On Valentine’s Day of freshman year, we made a glorious sign for our door, complete with our initials:
We weren’t fools – we knew that our behavior in daily life was not particularly consistent with a strategy for attracting guys’ attention. But as much as we would have liked that attention, it would have been too much work to be different. How could she and I enjoy sitting outside a science museum doing origami if our goal was finding men? How much fun might we have missed if we had kept others too much in view? And what would have become of us if we hadn’t waited patiently for the right men to come along with whom we could be our uncompromised selves?
I did eventually find the engineer of my dreams, but Geordi was good enough for a while.
I know people worry about how their kids are fitting in, and I want to be a voice for the kid who was outside the norm but really, honestly, had a great time in those years that can be so hard. One key for me was always to find a niche of people among whom I could just be my weird self. Were there many of them? Not always. Were these people weird, too? Well, there was my college friend who recommended the movie Shadowlands for what we had declared “Hot Guy Movie Night.” The film stars a middle-aged Anthony Hopkins as C.S. Lewis. Her defense? “C.S. Lewis had a hot soul.”
Were we weird? Yes. Did people perhaps wonder about us? Who cares?
Even before those friends offering affirmation, my comfort in my own skin undoubtedly came from my parents. If they ever thought my nerdiness was a problem, they surely never told me. Instead, they supported every endeavor, loved my friends, and seemed to think there was nothing wrong with me – and indeed, there was nothing wrong with me!
But there seems to be a lot of pressure today to make sure our kids are fitting in. Are my kids typical? Well, my 5-year old daughter has never yet played with a doll, preferring to role-play villains. My 2-year-old son saw the shadow of a Kleenex in his room the other night and screamed hysterically, thinking it was a bug. I’ve felt the temptation to try to “work on” areas in which my kids might “need some help,” and I admit I sometimes worry about things that seem quirky or odd. I like to think I’m worrying for their sake – that I don’t want them to be too different.
Then I remember: that was me. It still is! And thanks to God’s provision of wonderful parents and truly quirky friends, I love being me – and I joyfully look forward to my kids being able to say the same thing someday.
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Sarah Hamersma is an economist, a mom, and a Christian– hopefully all at the same time. She plans to keep being these things every day for the foreseeable future, despite her lack of trinitarian capabilities.
I really appreciate this post. We just had our first kid 2 months ago, and I catch myself already evaluating and comparing him, feeling proud that he’s growing so fast and eating so well, but lamenting his daytime nap struggles compared with other kids. It’s something I certainly need to be aware of sooner than later!
Something else I’ve been thinking of is that myself and so many of my friends struggled to “find ourselves” in college and beyond. I finally did, but it wasn’t until years later that I became comfortable in my own skin. perhaps my goal as a parent is to make sure that’s something that becomes normal for my son: that he learns he can be who he is without having to be athletic, artistic, or whatever else he thinks he “should” be unless it’s a reflection of who he is.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy (and exhaustion and anxiety)! I have been struck by a lesson from a parenting class: that your child looks to you for what is normal. The way you structure the days, the amount of activity or downtime, our eating habits, or whatever, will be “normal” to them — I think part of that is making it “normal” for them to fit in to the family (regardless of their personality) and never feel out of place.
So fun hearing from you, Sarah! I love what you have to say here. Sadly, I did not realize many of these things until college. I had great friends in high school but I was desperate to fit in and be “cool.” I don’t think I subdued any of my dorky qualities but I didn’t brag about them either. And I was waaaaaay too focused on trying to impress guys.
Today I celebrate my quirks and am highly skeptical of anyone that doesn’t have a little bit of nerd in them. Finding your own tribe is so important. I’m glad you’ve always had friends with the same interests and that you can appreciate your children’s own uniqueness.
Thanks, Leigh! I’m glad you’ve found your tribe, too. It’s a blessing to be yourself.
How your friend felt about C.S. Lewis is how I still feel about Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I totally get it!
YES! Bonhoeffer surely had a hot soul. I wish you could meet my friend… she even had CDs of C.S. Lewis’s radio broadcast. I bet the British accent made her swoon.
Um…I’m may or may not have some of those recordings too. I mean, maybe I do. Maybe my grandma bought them for me for Christmas one year when I was in college. Just maybe.
It’s just too hard to find Bonhoeffer. Plus, German is less sexy. It’s just a fact.
Kids that grow up in abusive environments or have had some trauma learn: Don’t talk, Don’t trust, Don’t feel. I’m in my late 30′s and I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. Kudos to your parents (and God) for letting you have that your whole life.
You’ve hit on such a key – the parents are so important. They set the standard for “normal” in a child’s eyes — for what a child believes about how the world works and whether they are a welcome part of it. I’m thankful that your are finding your way to loving who God made you to be.
“Normal” is what you know until you learn otherwise.
As I sat with my 4, 6 and 9 year olds yesterday, discussing the science of the latest episode of Dr Who, I wondered to myself if I’m setting them up for a lifetime of geekdom. My experiences being the one who didn’t quite fit in werent as positive as yours seem to have been, so I am a bit torn at how to best guide my children. I love being me also, but I’d still like my boys to have an easier road.
But i guess it’s not about the easiest path, is it?
Eva
The beauty of this is that you are FIRST in their lives — and your influence will always be stronger. You’re right, there can be downsides to becoming a geek…but there would also be terrible downsides to them missing out on discussing the science of Dr. Who with their mom, right? And in any case, foisting “mainstream” interests on them wouldn’t be an easier path if they just aren’t interested. Hooray for sci-fi and the growing geek community!
You are very wise
I miss you two!!!!
I miss you too! Come and visit us soon!
[Background fact: Sarah and her family are some of my favorite people on this earth.]
I feel like the icing on the cake is that Rob is so perfect for you. None of that “manlessness” inhibited you from finding the guy who not only literally mapped out Lord of the Rings, but also tries so hard to be a great husband and father.
Also: I am certain that your comfortableness with yourself has not only shaped you into the non-judgmental friend that you are to so many people, but is allowing your kids to flourish. Meredith is such a unique treasure of a kid, with her love of Transformers and super-villains, and I’m sure Lucas will be too!
Thanks, Sam. This is a tremendous encouragement. And totally accurate about the engineer of my dreams!
Such a neat entry, Sairy! And you are so exactly right – there actually isn’t anything wrong with you! We have always loved you and always will!
Mom, I couldn’t have written it without you, because you made it happen!
You could have been writing about me
… except for the husband and kids part. I wasn’t in the band (it conflicted with forensics), but I was so completely content with who I was, I didn’t care that I wasn’t cool. It wasn’t until probably my 30′s that I realized it was my contentedness that was my “power” and not whether I was cool or not.
Just last night a 25 year-year-old young woman was asking me how I’ve thrived so long in China. I have to say that at first her question was odd to me … I’ve always thrived. But I know this isn’t the case for everyone. I think you struck an important chord — the importance of contentedness. Thanks Sarah!
You might get a kick out of this. I used to teach math in the US before I moved to China. Today I had a first lesson with a group of 7th graders and mentioned I had been a math teacher in the US. A boy in the back row actually called me a liar
. Wow, that was a bold move. He clarified that American math is “simple” and not like Chinese math. I counter that math is a universal language and I most definitely speak it, taught it and love it. Next week I’m going to wear one of my pi t-shirts to class. Can’t wait!
Hi Amy! We sound like kindred spirits. I am glad that there are others who can report on their good experiences, too — I feel like there is a lot out there about the rough things that kids go through (especially nerdy ones), and I wanted to just encourage people that it’s not all bad news.
Ha! Love this, and you, Sarah.
PS you look beautiful in that picture w/ your sweet baby girl (when did they stop being babies?!)
This post really resonated with me, thanks Sarah! Although my path of nerdiness included being bullied and excluded for it in high school, I ultimately learned that being true to myself was considerably more important than being “in” with the crowd. Today, blending in is the last thing I would want to do, and I still find it odd that it was once my main goal… Lucky for me, I had loving and understanding parents too, who indulged all the facets of my personality and reminded me to be the best version of me I could be when some days, in tears, I contemplated conforming to the norm. In Afrikaans we have an adage, “die hoogste bome vang die meeste wind.” It says that the highest trees endure the strongest winds, as my mom often reminded me