Today’s guest post comes from Emily Wierenga of Imperfect Prose. Emily is a fellow Deeper Story writer, and her book Chasing Silhouettes: How to Help a Loved One Battling an Eating Disorder bares her personal struggle and offers profound hope to others. I’m grateful to be able to share an excerpt of this important book here (trigger warning for ED content) and give away a free copy to one of my readers!
If you’d like to throw your name in to win, just let me know in your comment below that you’ve shared this post via your preferred medium. I’ll announce the winner at the end of the week. –Tamára
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The nurses murmured to each other under fluorescent lighting as I lay shivering on the metal hospital bed, cold. Later, I would learn that they had marveled at my hypothermic, sixty-pound sack of bones, reasoning, “She should be dead.” I was a breach of science; a modern-day miracle. Yet in that profound moment, all I could think was: “Why can’t I lose any more weight?”
After four years of slow and steady starvation, I had finally quit eating altogether.
It started when I began to squint my eyes for the camera. I wanted to create laughter lines in a laughter-less face. Then, I began sucking in my cheeks. I liked how it made me look thinner. Model-like. I was nine years old.
The next four years were a blur. Anorexia starved my mind, but I’ll always remember the darkness. Days smudged with counting calories and streaming tears. Days filled with frowns, fierce yells and fists pounding against my father’s chest…
Dad loved us by doing his job so well he put ministry before family. He’d kiss us on the cheeks early in the morning and lead Bible devotions and sigh when we asked him questions on Sermon-Writing day. I hated Sermon-Writing day.
I got baptized at age eight because Dad said I should and I wanted to please him the same way I wanted to please God. I associated God with my father—a distant, unemotional man who said he loved me yet was too busy to show it.
One year later, I realized that even though I’d gotten baptized, Dad still didn’t ask me how I was doing, not really, and so God still didn’t care. Not really.
Food was dished onto our plates at every meal; again, I had no choice but to finish it. This inability to make my own decisions killed my independent spirit. Mum meant well; as a nutritionist, she served healthy but plentiful portions. As a result, we became healthy but plentiful children.
Meanwhile, a woman I’d become very close to, ‘Grandma Ermenie,’ passed away. And life became even more uncontrollable, and disappointment, more certain…
It’s a scary place to be in, this place where you have no one, so you have to become bigger than life itself, in order to carry yourself through the pain. A nine-year-old isn’t very big. And all I wanted was to be small. Because the world told me that thin was beauty. And maybe if I was beautiful, Dad would want to spend time with me.
I didn’t know about anorexia nervosa. We weren’t allowed to play with Barbie dolls or take dance lessons or look at fashion magazines or talk about our bodies in any way other than holy, so I didn’t know anything except that Mum changed in the closet when Dad was in the room, and made us cover our skin head to foot.
A kind of shame came with this not talking about bodies and beauty became something forbidden. And I wanted it more than anything. So I stopped eating.
It was a slow-stop, one that began with saying “No,” and the “No” felt good. I refused dessert. I refused the meals Mum dished up for me. I refused the jam on my bread and then the margarine and then the bread itself…
At night, I dreamt of food. Mum would find me, hunting for imaginary chocolates in my bed. I wanted her to hug me and make the fear go away, but was worried that if I did, my guard would be let down and I’d eat real chocolates, so I stopped hugging her for two years.
My legs were getting thin, and that was what mattered, but I dreamt about her arms, and woke up hugging myself.
I slipped from a state of not being hungry to a state of choosing to be hungry. I liked how my pants sagged, how my shirt became loose, my face slim, and my eyes, big. And at some point, I became a different person, intent on being skinny no matter the cost.
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This is how it starts.
My book, Chasing Silhouettes: How to Help a Loved One Battling an Eating Disorder.
You can:
Pre-Order here.
View Endorsements here.
Read Sample Chapters here.
And I’m wondering… will you help me?
I know many of you have not struggled with eating disorders, but there are 8 million Americans that do… and many of them are young girls, in families that are desperate for solutions… and this book points to Him. Would you help me get the word out about this?
Will you pre-order a copy for your church library? Your school library? For the family down the street?
And will you share about this book on Facebook and Twitter? And pray? Yes, please pray.
I am also happy to do guest posts/ profile pieces for your blogs to help get word out, too.
Thank you,
Emily
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Emily Wierenga is a wife, mother of four boys (two of whom are hers), artist, and author of Chasing Silhouettes: How to Help a Loved One Battling an Eating Disorder (Ampelon, 2012) available here. For more info, please visit www.emilywierenga.com.
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If you’d like to throw your name in to win a free copy of Emily’s book, just let me know in your comment below that you’ve shared this post via your preferred medium!
Thank you. This is such a vivid window into the world of a child who needs love more than anything. (And I guess that’s every child, isn’t it?)
thank you so much for having me here, tamara. i’m blessed by you.
Such an important book.
I tweeted it.
thank you dear leigh. bless you. xo
As a survivor of 12 years of living as a bulimarexic, tears ran down my cheeks as I read this post. I was 9 years old the first time I stuck my fingers down my throat. I wouldn’t do it again for several years, but the next time I tried it, I would continue to practice it secretly for more than a decade.
I cannot wait to read your book. Of course I would LOVE a free copy, but I will buy them to give away either way. I’m happy to share this post, but would love even more for you to guest post on my blog.
Every Thursday I do a post about beauty. It encompasses eating disorders, distorted images, etc. I would be so honored if you would write for a Thursday post. I have led workshops on beauty and the monster within that it creates for so many. I look forward to checking out your book and hopefully using it as a resource for my girls.
I am going to add the image below of your book to my website under the “More than Words” tab. Please let me know if you would be interested in guest posting.
Tamara, thank you SO much for posting this.
Emily, many, many blessings to you, my beautiful friend.
oh my goodness, my dear joy. yes! of course i would love to do a guest post on your blog. and you, a preacher’s kid who battled an eating disorder too? i feel God has brought us to each other, today. bless you friend. so glad to have met you. ((thank you, tamara!))
Awesome!!! I will email you
Blessings to you, my beautiful friend.
That’s pretty intense. The kind of thing I’ll take my time to share instead of my usual “hey heres this totally cool book go read it!” tweet.
thanks friend. i agree, it is intense. bless you.
I have four nieces whom I hope will have positive and healthy relationships with their bodies, food, and attention. Bless you Emily and this important topic!
oh i hope so too, dear amy. just the fact that you have the desire to impact them positively speaks volumes. bless you.
Such a sad reminder of how many in the church and within the Christian faith miss all of the important opportunities to actually love in their attempt to be righteous or whatever. A story of courage and determination beautifully told. One of my dearest friends has struggle with body image issues her whole life. She is learning now to let go of the shame of it and find peace with her true self. It is not an easy journey but what a journey it is.
yes, timothy. exactly. how i hope and pray this resource finds its way into the hands of the church. praying for this friend of yours, that she might find freedom. (i’m saying this as i eat brownies! how cool is that?
)
I’ve tweeted the link to spread the word about this book. As a therapist, I can see this book being helpful for women, their families, and friends. Eating disorders effect the entire family system – women struggling with an ED are not alone.
oh Marissa, thank you! yes, that’s my heart’s cry–for the whole family to find healing, not just the disordered eater. exactly.
I am gratefully on the other side of an 18-year struggle with anorexia and bulimia, yet I mourn the years I lost. Thank you for giving voice to this important issue. I shared via Twitter and Facebook.
oh sara. my heart aches for you. if you ever want to talk, let me know. i’m always available. peace to you, e.
You write beautifully, Emily. I have two daughters, 7 and 4, and this is a good reminder to me that there are things they need that only their father can give them.
I wish you all the best with your book, and if you would ever like to guest post at my blog just let me know.
thank you so much shawn. i will contact you about doing the guest post. i so appreciate your willingness to help me get the word out there. live in love, e.
Wow, thanks for this. Such a brave, beautiful voice. I am glad to see this topic being brought to the fore, especially in a Christian context. I tweeted it and hope it sells zillions.
oh, bless you dear heather. thank you.
The scary part is how easy it is not to see when you are doing these something like this to your kids…
I re-poste don FB. Whiel winning th book would be cool, it’s mostly so I could share it.
thank you so much for doing this, friend. peace to you. e.
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Thanks so much for sharing.