Today’s guest post comes from one of my dearest real-life friends, Sarah Hamersma. Sarah is such an important person to me, it’s hard for me to boil her down to a few words in an intro. So please just get to know her a little here, and be blessed. –Tamara
(What’s up with all the guest posts around here lately?)
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I hate coming up short. I like to succeed, and if there’s a right way to do something, I want to do it that way. Why settle for second-best?
We economists actually have a theory of the second-best (bear with me here). While we know the “first-best” solution to many economic problems, sometimes the scenario just doesn’t fit: markets aren’t perfectly competitive, people aren’t perfectly informed, conditions aren’t perfectly predictable. When we can’t have the first-best, we shouldn’t just wring our hands – we should try hard to find the second-best solution and shoot for that.
After many years as an economist, I found myself flung into the world of the second-best when I became a mother. I wanted to learn the right way to do things and then do it. When I set my mind to something, I should be able to make it happen. I could work full-time, serve in my church, spend time with my husband, and still find a way to be a perfect mom to my children…right?
Wrong. The no-TV-for-little-ones rule was quickly broken. The environment-saving cloth diapers were used enthusiastically for a little while and then relegated to the closet for months. The special grinder for making baby food using real food – from the farmers’ market, of course – was moved aside to make room for the jars (“Well, at least I try to buy organic,” I comforted myself). And I finally broke down and hired someone to help clean the house. I remember admitting to my friends, “I’m not actually hiring her to save myself time cleaning; I’m hiring her because I want things to be clean for my kids and I’ve discovered that I just don’t do it.” And that’s the key: I don’t. It’s not that I can’t – it’s that I don’t. Apparently, I won’t. It was hard being such a disappointment to myself.
But God’s grace is big enough for even a person who discovered her self-absorption a little late. I have started seeing ways God can use my efforts for the good of my children even when they’re second-best (the efforts, not the children, of course).
Not long ago, a sale attracted me to something the first-best mom in me never would have bought:
This package contains flour, sugar, shortening, nuts, and white chocolate chips – most of which already live in my cupboard. But under this wrapper, they were already made into one giant rectangular patty of cookie-dough goodness – even scored into a dozen squares with, apparently, a dull pizza cutter. Last night, I decided that my nearly-two-year-old Lucas should get to make cookies with mom.
Out they came.
I broke off the cookie-dough bricks and handed them to Lucas, one by one, to put on the pan. I rearranged them when they threatened to turn into a single mountain of dough. About halfway through, he discovered that they were yummy; the next couple squares got big bites out of them on their way to the pan. I tried to stop him, maybe a little harshly, and then I remembered sneaking cookie dough when my mom had made cookies with me – real cookies, from ingredients. I laid off a little. When the cookie experience had exceeded his limited attention span, I finished loading the pan, giving him a few white chocolate chips for his trouble.
They went into the oven. We waited, watching through the window of the oven door that desperately needed cleaning. The ridiculous blocks of dough looked like ice cubes melting into their own puddles. Would they ever look right?
Well, this second-best mom decided it didn’t matter if they looked right. Because what I was looking at was not the cookies, but a little boy’s face. And this – this looked just right.
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Sarah Hamersma is an economist, a mom, and a Christian– hopefully all at the same time. She plans to keep being these things every day for the foreseeable future, despite her lack of trinitarian capabilities.
Beautiful!!!
Thanks for your encouragement
One of the hardest jobs in the world is being a parent, father or mother, though being a mother is significantly harder. In today’s economy the job gets harder because both parents must work to make ends meet. My mother was a stay at home mom with five children, she once told me it does get better, but she wouldn’t trade any of those days away. Mothers are special!
My sons have blessed us with three grandchildren – ah it does get better.
Great post, young lady!
Walk daily with God at your side.
Ed
Wow, the last time I was called “young lady” it was in a library parking lot (“Young lady, you are a very rude driver!”). I much prefer this encouraging version. Thank you for the reminder that walking with God is a daily event.
Wonderful lesson. It’s more important to enjoy the moment as it is, than put all your focus on making the moment perfect. God is so loving to us, but sometimes we are so intent on taking control, that we don’t see the many little blessings He puts right in front of our face. It’s harder than it looks to let go a bit with our own plans and expectations, and experience God’s plans for our lives, our days, our moments.
Yes, it is such a challenge to make a decision to let go of our plans.
Amazing story, Sarah. I’m not a parent yet, but I have all the aspirations in the world to be that “first-best” parent. It’s encouraging, though, to hear that “second-best” is often not second at all.
Thanks SO much for sharing!
- Adrian
I’m glad this little story can help prepare you for the future! The day we realize our aspirations aren’t all panning out is a hard one, but it’s followed by a lot of grace and a realization that things can still be so good because God is so good! It’s sort of like breaking your 4.0 GPA with a B, and then actually enjoying school after that because you realize the world didn’t stop turning.
You got a B?!
It was a B+.
In gym class.
Sairy – Just a great entry! I have seen your frustration at imperfection – the frustration, not so much the imperfection! Just think – if God had made any of us perfect, we would have no need for HIM!! My grandchildren have a wonderful Mom, and I am proud of you! And yes, you did snitch the cookie dough!
I am so thankful for a mom who made cookies with me – I’m glad I can do the same with my kids
Thanks for being a mom who supports me in every way, all the time, no matter what!
Love this, Sarah! It sounds like you’ve got your priorities straight, no matter how they stack up against anyone elses. In this case, second best is really best because it’s according to you!
Thanks, Leigh! I am still trying to strike the balance (I suppose I always will be) but I feel like I have a good start with being more realistic about what God is calling me to do and to be.
Absolutely love this. I think almost any mom can relate. Even the ones we think are doing it “right”.
I’m glad you can relate – thanks for that cameraderie.
Sarah, thanks so much for this beautiful reminder of the freedom to find joy when we let go our steely grip on perfectionism. And thanks, too, for being a mom who burns grilled cheese and still serves it. We are united. xo
I’ve told friend before that the messier my house is when they come over, the more it means I am comfortable letting them into my life. The fact that I burned and served that grilled cheese today is a whole new level of friendship
I am so honored to get the chance to post here. I love this space and the people who come here.
Thank you. Just. Thank you.
So glad that this hit home for you.
Mmmm…grace. Good stuff. I totally relate to this. One quote that helps me is by Emily Ley: “I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection.” I need to remind myself of that once in a while.
Thank you for the lovely quote…it is easier said than done.
Love it! Good job, mama
Thanks, Holli! What an encouragement from someone whose parenting I so admire.
Love love love this Sarah, it is all so very true, and somehow we are told we can do it all! Great thoughts.
Tara, I really appreciate you reading this and relating!
I *LOVE* this post. There is nothing more needed than giving ourselves grace as moms, and perhaps learning to choose the “better” thing along the way… like the precious smiling face when those cookies emerged from the oven! Thank you for sharing.
Yes, that’s it – it’s the “better” rather than the “best” — and it is better than we thought it would be before we tried it. (I have clearly read Green Eggs and Ham this week…).
I am splitting hairs here. I disagree that you are choosing the “better” instead of the “best.” The entire point is that the “best” is an illusion because it’s not actually feasible. By choosing the “better,” you are, in fact, choosing the real “best.” Or perhaps you all realize this, which is why we are all using “quotes” here.
Yeah Matt, I see your point – and it makes it all more encouraging, so thanks!
The theory of the second best is definitely appropriate here. When an inevitable constraint prohibits the first-best solution, the second-best solution may involve a policy that is usually viewed to be counter-productive (or otherwise inferior) in a first-best world… thus, the theory of the second best is an explanation for the paradoxes we may observe or experience in the real (broken, but waiting to be redeemed) world.
Matthew, you have no idea the joy I have in this comment. (Or maybe you do, since we share a brain.) Yes, it was a commitment to second-best when I bought the package – an admission that first-best was not going to happen, despite good intentions, and that NOT making cookies was (at best) third-best. Making the purchasing of the package optimal subject to my constraint.
Everybody got that?
A first-best mom would NEVER buy packaged cookies. But a first-best mom has, by definition, no constraints on her optimization problem.
Of course, *I* would never buy my children packaged cookies… but check in with me about this once I have some (human) children of my own. =)
Well, that might mean your (future, human) children will never have cookies!
I know I’ve been bandying about the “I-word”–introvert a lot lately, but it is my introversion that has often left me feeling like a 2nd best dad. I’m (slowly) to accept me for me, but there are still pangs of guilt when I need quiet time (like when I get home from work, and everyone needs, or wants, me). And my family is learning, too.
Great post!
I’m an introvert too, so I know exactly what you mean. Thanks!
Love this post. Recently my youngest of 5 said to me “I wonder what it was like in this family before Stef (the 4th) and I were born……..I hear you were a real cook back then…!” Getting someone to help clean and pretending like the brick cookies were my home made recipe are two of the best choices I made when it comes to my house…Thank you.
Man, I’m learning that I won’t always have my kids around so I better get bust being “second-best.” It’s the law of averages, if I can manage to be second or third at everything I can be the best overall. I think.
Wonderful post!! Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in the details that we miss the precious moments.