It was two days before I was to fly to Nashville to speak at the Killer Tribes Conference and I was what you might call freaking the hell out. I was mostly excited and a little nervous to be making my first-ever solo trek through an airport, a flight, and a new city without blindly following a directionally unimpaired person. But more than that, I was a little excited and mostly nervous to be giving my first talk to a group of adults who would surely take notice if I lost all coherent verbal ability mid-message.
It should have been no sweat. I had performed in dance recitals since I could walk; I did theater all my life; I was on the speech and debate team (1997 Duo Interpretation State Champions, if you must know); I was a vocal performance major; I taught children music and Sunday School; I was a worship leader. But it wasn’t no sweat; it was lots of sweat and swears and tears. Because I would be doing something I wanted badly to do, and I was terrified that I would do badly. I would not have a script or rehearsals; I would not be able to call “line!” It would just be me and my thoughts without the safety of a keyboard, and I thought the damn Killer Tribes Conference might just in fact kill me.
I remembered that not so long ago I had spoken shaky, impromptu words to the people of my church about setting aside our comfort to become a comfort to others, and I dashed off an email to the friend who has an MP3 of those words that were now coming back to bite me in the smarty-pants:
I WAS A FUCKING IDIOT.
Please destroy all copies of that audio. Thankyouverymuch.
***
Day before departure, and I had packed two-thirds of my wardrobe for a two-day trip because I like to be prepared, and it’s easier to achieve this by overestimating your need for sweaters, tank tops, and varied footwear than it is by attempting to write a speech outline upon which you have placed egregious importance.
I struggled to structure all my thoughts and anecdotes, the important ideas and the just-so wording, rearranging them on my computer screen with the frustrating futility of assembling a picture with pieces from three different puzzles. That night was no more productive than any of its recent predecessors, but I fought against it as long as I could, desperate to fashion a life-preserver for the most-assuredly-Killer Tribes Conference.
In the end, it was nail polish that defeated me that night. I had envisioned wearing the gunmetal color on my fingers because it is a little artsy and a little edgy and a lot me, and the gawddamn stuff was missing. It was not where it was supposed to be or in any other evident location despite my frantic 2am search, and I had planned on it, and I needed it, and of course I could not use another color, especially not the one already on my toes as my husband suggested because THAT WOULD BE MATCHY-MATCHY, and there was just no way I could get on that plane the next morning. Fuck.
***
I sat on the aisle seat beside a pair of middle-aged Midwestern ladies, at ease with my company because there is something comforting about a culture that so highly values casseroles. We landed in Music City, and I didn’t know it then, but I’d be so busy that I’d never hear any music; still, walking through an unfamiliar airport and out into the air of a new city confidently alone, I felt in some way I’d arrived.
I met a friend for lunch at the sort of hipster joint where you tolerate their condescension toward your innocent request for a Diet Coke because their portabella asiago crêpes are so good they can get away with it. We talked easily and laughed heartily, and I left with more gifts from him than he might have realized because sometimes just the right words at just the right time are exactly enough.
My gracious weekend hostess and I visited her favorite place for fruit tea, and I sat with the black fabric notebook my son had given me for Christmas because he knows I need to get out words to be the best and truest me, and I finally and simply got them out.
***
We had spent the night before in a clamorous coffee shop, moving beyond Twitter names and blog comments into real-life hugs and riotous laughter, and now we would spend the day in side-by-side seats, groups of friends long established, now expanding and enriching. They all took notes and sent Tweets except me, partly because my phone had decided to strap a chastity belt around its security access and mostly because I was too busy with intense self-preoccupation.
My talk wasn’t til after lunch, so I spent the morning sessions demanding my brain learn something from the conference while my brain obstinately opted to measure my novice potential against every professional speaker’s performance.
I ate just enough not to pass out and left the bounty of the greenroom for the solitude of the empty Sunday school room with my name on a sign just outside it. Rows of chairs were lined up, expectantly facing a slender white stool upon which sat a blue gift bag and a note. The presents inside were a bag of deeply aromatic coffee and a sleek mug inscribed “Killer Tribes,” but the note bore witness of the real gift.
I had taken a risk to get the gig in the first place, and the risk in actually showing up for it was bigger. But the conference host had written the note presupposing my victory. He didn’t say he thought I would kick ass; he declared that I already had.
The people filled my room, looked up, and waited for a moment, and it was just very me on my perch with the found gunmetal polish on my nails and the filled black notebook on my lap. And sometimes just the right words at just the right time are exactly enough.
So I began.
(Photo by Leigh Kramer, leighkramer.com)
________________________________________________________
Coming Soon:
Quotes & notes, an illustration, and a video of my Killer Tribes talk! (If you have anything for me to add, please send it to tamaraoutloud @ gmail .com)
Love the shoes!
Thank you– like the nail polish, they were essential to my success.
Obviously. I cannot believe you didn’t even mention the Killer Shoes!
Agreed. GORGEOUS shoes.
Thanks. They’re my favorites.
I’m convinced you rocked it all. Good job.
Thanks! You’ll get to see for yourself soon!
Who needs edgy polish when you’ve got THOSE shoes?! They say, “I’ve got this shit!”
EXACTLY.
I’m glad you survived to write about it. =) Wish I could have been there!
Thanks! Hopefully the upcoming quotes, pics, and video will feel like the next-best thing.
And you tell it well. Structurally, a beautiful call back to the nail polish and notebook.
This makes me miss traveling alone, something I’ve done a fair bit of. It’s okay to still love it, right? Not wishing away my family; just sometimes craving a moment.
And a video! Squee! This makes me happy on a Monday. Or any day.
Congrats, T. You freaking rock!
I love to travel alone. Like Leanne, it’s not that I don’t love my family – it’s just that there’s a peace that I only find when I have absolutely NOBODY to worry about but ME. Weird, I guess, but true.
I don’t think this is weird at all!
Ah, I love being the teacher’s pet! IYKWIM
I have decided my official stance on traveling alone is guilt-free. I hope you’ll get a moment for yourself soon. IYKWIM
And yeah, the magical Tyler Tarver has some goods for you guys. IYKWIM
Believe me when I say this – I am HONORED to have witnessed this firsthand.
xoxo
You were a mighty champion for me, my friend. Much love.
You did a GREAT job on the notes from the session, Jess! I’d say almost as good as being there, but that’d be a lie, I’m sure. However, the notes were a very good summary of the content/key points.
Talk about telling a story, friend. You knocked this out of the park. Loveyoumissyoucomebackandvisitsoon.
Thanks, Leigh! Next time I come, it’s going to be strictly for pleasure. (Damn, I don’t even have to add the acronym.)
As the sole witness to the Friday night meltdown and suggester of matchy-matchy nail polish (which I have apologized for many times), I could tell even then that you would nail it. twss.
Proud of you for overcoming your fears and taking a risk.
I love you. And if anyone knows I can nail it, it’s you.
Can I join the love fest? I love you both like crazy.
Great story. Can’t wait to see your talk! =)
Thank you! I’m so anxious to share it!
i am still proudly doing as you suggested and not giving a shit. frog ‘em.
Frog yeah, baby.
Awesome post! To celebrate your success I’m wearing gun-metal nail polish right now…..
Thanks, Tor. So sorry you had to miss the conference! At least you’re making up for it with the stylish nails.
I wasn’t there, but I felt like I was. The tweeting of your words was fast and furious – by the sound of it, everyone loved your talk.
Aw, thanks! I’m excited to share some favorite #KillerTribes tweets soon so everyone can have the same feeling!
It’s amazing how we sometimes associate success with the small things like nail polish, a mug, or a particular notebook. I often cross over that line between rituals and insanity… Though I still hide my special writing mug whenever company comes over… No one will EVER see it!!!
Well clearly this is a challenge and I will accept it when we someday meet.
The funny thing about the polish and the notebook was that all along I thought I had to write the perfect speech, and those items (not to mention so many friends) reminded me that really all I had to do was just be me.
Anticipation!
Aha! See, I *did* learn something at the conference after all!
As your unofficial muse (for one night), and after following along on Twitter, I can’t wait to hear your talk.
Thanks, Chad! That’s cool you were following along.
Am I the only one whose favorite part of this is the casseroles shout-out? I’m from the South. And I want some casserole now. (Also, I’ll watch the video when it goes up b/c I was over at LosWhit’s session.)
I’m glad you like that. I thought for sure one of my Midwestern pals would have picked up on it– gosh!
I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you at the conference. Thanks for coming here to see what you missed at my session!
The part that stood out most to me: the gift from your son. He sees the joy and confidence that your writing gives and he offers you the opportunity to do more. That growing-up man is a treasure, and I know his mom and dad had a lot to do with that (and no, I was NOT shooting for an IYKWIM, but you can insert it there if you want. Yikes. It just happened again. I blame this all on your influence).
Oh, you holy Sarah H., I HAVE WON YOU OVER. I love you madly.
Tamara you are kickass. Wish I could’ve been to the conference to see you live.
Thanks, KC! I wish you could’ve been there too– would’ve been so much fun!
Just curious: How did you feel the moment you were done?
Glad to see you overcome the fear and inspire the rest of us!
The moment I was done giving my talk I was scared that I’d finished too early and therefore had obviously forgotten some super-important anecdote or line. But then the audience was full of great questions, so when I was done with that, I felt like I’d made some connections and done some good.
Great question, thanks for asking!
I am rather excited to see this video.
I am rather excited to show it to you if I can ever get it from Tyler Tarver.
IYKWIM
Congrats, Tamara. None of this is surprising. I knew you’d tear it up!
Thanks, Kevin. You did tell me so.
You write beautifully Tamara. I love reading your blog. Thank you for sharing this story, I’m glad everything went well! I loved the part about your son giving you the gift of the notebook because he knew how important words are to you. God bless.
Thanks so much, Ryan. So kind.
Questions answered: yes, yes and yes.
Jeopardy style, the questions were:
1) Will Tamara kick ass at the conference?
2) Were her tribe members right in assuring her that she would kick ass?
3) Could she indeed pull off the red stilettos without looking like…well, you
know?
Glad you had a great time. Didn’t realize you were directionally challenged, not surprised that Bryan isn’t. And it’s very cool that your son took the time to figure out a gift that was just right for you. Of course, you & Brian, apple and tree, etc…. should be surprised by that.
“I’ll take ‘Red Stillettos and Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs’ for $1000, Alex.”
With your style, of course you nailed it!
that was “shouldn’t be surprised”. And leave it to me to spell Bryan correctly then mistype it 10 seconds later….
You are too funny. Yes, I am both directionally and time-managementally challenged. I don’t even try to pretend otherwise. Give me a GPS and an extra hour, every time.
Darling, let’s be honest, in those shoes, you could easily rule the world
Bravo! The future is very bright. You have worked hard and been groomed for greatness.
Now send me the shoes…I have some red lippy that would match perfectly.
I just can’t part with them! But I know you could rock a pair too.
Thanks for believing in me.
With all the shoe talk, I have to say…I think that jacket looks great.
I wholeheartedly agree. Without the jacket, I’d have just been a girl with stilettos and a tank top. With it, I was a Killer Tribes speaker! Thanks for making me look like a pro.
You rocked it, Tamara! All of it. I wish my first talk had gone as well as yours. You’re a natural. I’m glad I got to be there!
Aw, thanks, Kim! I’m glad you got to be there too and that we got to chat after!
Love this!!!
Thank you!
Well, of COURSE you rocked it. And you looked fab, too. Waitin’ for the video (and an explanation of the dang acronym).
Thanks, Diana! (Acronym?)
Yeah – the one you used through the comments and even mentioned as such about 20 notes above this. Isn’t that what you call those initials-standing-in-for-words-short-computer-speak stuff?? And I do understand that if it needs to be written out, it loses its punch, so this is one wish I’ll just have to explore on my own. Do you suppose you can google those things? Man, I’m really showin’ my un-cool factor here.
Gotcha– wasn’t sure if that was what you meant or if it was something from the conference. IYKWIM= if you know what I mean.
Thank you! That’s one to remember – can almost hear the leer.
(In)appropriately, this reply of yours was the 69th comment. IYKWIM
You are a little twisted, aren’t you? IFYKWIM
If you speak 1/10th as well as you write, you nailed it. Something you also undoubtedly did once with Bryan you got home to celebrate your experience, IYKWIM.
Now we need the video. And a commentary track.
(And I need an excuse to travel to Florida…)
A commentary track– aw, man, that would be so cool!
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