Today’s guest post comes from Eva Leppard of The Aspirational Agnostic. I’m excited to share her post about her search for faith because, no matter what our religion or where we are with it, I think a lot of us have doubts and questions, and it’s important to me that this be a place where we can be honest about them and thoughtfully discuss them. Enjoy! –Tamara
(What’s up with all the guest posts around here lately?)
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Being raised as an insistent, dyed-in-the-wool, no-holds-barred atheist does set one up for some personal angst when one (ok, me) realises that she wants to discover God.
A road to Damascus moment would have been the ideal scenario, naturally, and I could have been loud and proud in my conversion and with my new and absolute understanding of the entire scope of Christian understanding. A nagging, uneasy feeling that I needed to begin a search and I wasn’t going to be able to relax until I’d discovered “something” is a whole lot less easy to explain or indeed to begin a conversation with.
I was raised to tolerate and respect all beliefs. Except Christians. Here, I understood that the best policy was to back away, smiling. Any interaction would instantly cause an infusion of bigotry, a passionate defence of biblical literalism and an instantaneous decrease in IQ points.
So deciding that I wanted to believe in God was a bit of a shock. And, to be brutally honest, a bit of an embarrassment. The first words that I said to the minister when I arrived at church on the first day were, “Hi, I’m Eva and I don’t think that I believe in God.” He was surprisingly fine with that, and I soon found out that I could continue to say “fuck” and drink wine and know that evolution isn’t a myth (seriously, don’t mess with me on that one), so things were definitely looking up.
The internet is both a blessing and a curse for the aspiring Christian; I have been in equal parts freaked out by the sheer amount of opinionated, bigoted claptrap promulgated in the name of Jesus and thrilled and inspired by the wonderful people seeking to do good in the world, trying to bring the message of Jesus to life. I’ve been able to find myself a neat little comfort zone where I can read about what people are doing and how people are changing the world, and where I can sit on the sofa and go, “Wow, that’s amazing! If I really believed in God, then I would TOTALLY do that.”
Because I haven’t had that road to Damascus moment, have I? I haven’t had that supernatural experience which would force me out of my (very, very small) comfort zone and make me get out there with the poor and the needy. Until that happens, I don’t really have to force myself, do I? If God truly wanted me, he would make it abundantly clear. No room for misinterpretation.
Wouldn’t he?
But then, there’s that little voice. That still, quiet voice that won’t shut. the. heck. up. That won’t let me close the book on this experiment that hasn’t ended in certainty, or proof, or absolute conviction.
The voice of God wouldn’t be a still, quiet little whisper, would it?
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Eva blogs at The Aspirational Agnostic. She is currently spending a disproportionately large time asleep, given that she is pregnant with son number four and also works as a high school teacher. She spends her remaining free time looking for God. He’s being very difficult to pin down.
(Editorial note: I didn’t Americanize Eva’s spellings because I think they’re fantastic.)
I, too, am on a spiritual journey to determine just what or who God is to me. I do think that it is possible to believe in God and not be a “Christian,” however. I attend a Unitarian Universalist church, and one of the things that I love most about it is that we don’t have to all believe the same thing. We are each on our own spiritual path, seeking the Truth as it is meaningful to us. We focus on the inherent worth and dignity of all people, work towards justice for all, and respect the interdependent web of life – we are all connected to each other and to the earth.
I have several posts on my blog about my faith, but this one is about what it means to me to be UU. http://gumballgirl.wordpress.com/2010/03/04/on-being-unitarian/
All the best in your journey, Eva. Thanks for having her as a guest, Tamara!
Thanks Chrystal. I look forwards to reading your blog.
Eva
Eva’s thoughts and views shared here are refreshingly honest and pure. Plus, she used the word, “promulgated,” which means she’s really smart and we MUST become BFFs! (Going to her blog NOW to become a “Follower!”)
Na, not smart. Just able to google ‘words, which when used, will make me look clever’.
Eva
In my experience as a follower of Jesus Christ, I have found that God speaks more often in that still small voice, that gentle whisper, than He does in booming Grand Canyon echoes. I love how it is described in the Bible in 1 Kings 19:11-13. Of course, God has an amazing way of being “loud” and “Damascus-y” even when whispering! Keep on asking, seeking and knocking…you’ll find each other!
Thanks Warren. I like the idea of Him being Damascus-y even when whispering’.
Eva
Wow. I wasn’t raised to be a Christian, but found faith on my own. I found that the small voice was the most powerful to me in the midst of all the yelling, competitive viewpoints I was bombarded with.
Can’t wait to check out your blog!
Thanks Adrian. I certainly know what you mean by the competitive viewpoints!
Eva
I tend to live in a bubble. I need to hear other perspectives. Thanks for expanding my world. =)
I dream of living in a bubble
Eva
I love this post so much. You see, I came from the exact opposite position. I was raised in the (theologically) ultra conservative Christian family. Alcohol was bad. “Cursing” was bad. Evolution was part of the leftist agenda. My spiritual journey has brought me closer to the God found in the Bible, but away from so much of what I thought being Christian was about. Don’t hate me but I still don’t completely buy into evolution (not because of any theological standing though, I just see questions that leave me wondering if we are missing something). I think the biggest shock to my parents was the day I told them I don’t believe the world had to be created in seven literal days. They flipped out.
Thanks for sharing your faith journey with me.
I’m so excited to be part of a leftist agenda! It appeals to the edgey, hippy part of me that I’ve never quite been able to carry off
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Thanks for your comment- I can imagine that it took quite some bravery to reveal that to your parents.
Eva
Sounds like you might have more answers than you’re ready to acknowledge. Paul needed the blindness and scales to be able to see… not everyone is Paul. The way I understand faith is that we can not even begin to seek God until our hearts and minds are turned toward him. The analogy of God patiently waiting for people to turn to faith is a myth perpetuated by humanistic philosophy. God is not patiently knocking at the door waiting for you to answer in your own dear time. When it is time, God douses the house in gasoline, lights it on fire and breaks down the door to pull you close and to safety.
That you recognize a change in thoughts might be your Damascus road. It took me 4 years of study, thought, and contemplation. I honestly couldn’t tell you the day I became a Christian. However, I can tell you that I am and that it happened starting with questions like yours. No blinding light, no booming voice I could not ignore. Just the still small whisper that pushed me along until I knew there was more and that I could never be good enough to make it on my own.
Everyone who believes has a different story, we get to say THIS is what God redeemed me from. Through our stories we are able to see the mercies and grace weaving together to save a broken disparate people. We are able to find hope, community and share our faith with each other and with those who have not yet had their defenses burned down.
Don’t stop asking questions God is big enough, and the questions only continue to pile on.
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. It means a lot that people can relate to what I am experiencing.
Eva
Eva, I’d like to think my Monday blogs could be of help to you. They are definitely and unabashedly Christian, but not finger-pointing. I emphasize love, not long lists of do’s and dont’s. Try me.
Looking forwards to reading
Eva
God often speaks very, very quietly. Sometimes He doesn’t have to speak at all – He just lovingly and gently moves your heart. I think He has already moved yours.
Good post, Eva. Thanks for having her, Tamara!
Such a teacher! Asking questions even when you know the answer, or suspect that you know the answer. Yeah, God can and will speak through the still small voice (though he’s not limited to speaking only in that way.) I wish more of us Christians really understood the value of listening for that still small voice.
You’ll know that you’ve arrived as a believer (not that you think that ‘you’re all that’, but that you really believe) when that quiet whisper resonates so deeply that “you know that you know that you know” it is true (i.e., you have no doubt that whisper at that moment is true.) Right now, I suspect that “you know that you know” it is true, but you’ve got enough lingering doubt and reluctance to come “out of the closet” as a believer, and that’s perfectly ok.
Keep listening for the still small voice…. Thanks for sharing today.
I can’t imagine a time when I will dispense with doubt entirely- and maybe thats a healthy thing! Thanks for your comment.
Eva
I agree that’s a healthy thing. I still have doubts about a lot of things, but there are a few things that I know that I know that I know….. Know what I mean?
Congratulations on the 4th boy on the way, by the way. My wife and I have 3 boys (and she is also a teacher), but no more for us. You’re brave in more ways than one!
If more of us were honest about our questions, I suspect the church at large would be a better functioning facsimile of what was intended. As it is, I’m thankful you were able to walk into a place and be respected. I hope that I can be that person for people, too. Keep walking the road, and keep listening to the whisper.
I’m sure that you are that person
Thanks for your comment.
Eva
Eva, this is lovely! As frustrating as that whisper can be at times, He has a way of holding our attention while letting us come to our own conclusion.
Don’t fall for the check box theology of do’s and don’ts, fall for Him, His love. Small voice indeed. If He yelled we wouldn’t need to pay such close attention
But yelling would be EASIER, dammit!
Eva
I am completely with you on that. The last time I asked Him to yell at me I ended up living in South America. I just try to work on listening. I wish I had a tried and true method to share. The more time you spend with a friend the more you recognize their voice.
Eva, thanks so much for sharing this with us. It gives me a little nudge to knock it off with my own sofa spirituality.
Fascinating perspective. As an atheist raised in a UU church by mostly-secular parents, I have actually never encountered an “insistent, dyed-in-the-wool, no-holds-barred atheist” parenting style, especially not one that would “tolerate and respect all beliefs. Except Christians.” (I can imagine people being dismissive of all supernatural beliefs, but I don’t know anyone who would single out Christianity as uniquely more irrational than Islam, or Judaism, or Wicca.) The secular parents I encounter aim for a much calmer approach of teaching critical thinking and encouraging their children to examine and develop their own beliefs, whatever they might end up being. (See Dale McGowan’s ‘Parenting Beyond Belief’ book and blog for more on this attitude.)
I wonder about the degree to which your parents setting up Christianity as “the other” encouraged you towards Christianity, Eva. You say that you “wanted to believe in God” — do you remember when it was in your life that that feeling began to develop, and whether you considered other gods besides the Christian one?
Also, I have to say I am rather troubled by any approach that begins with “wanting” to cultivate particular beliefs. Truth does not depend on whether we want it or not. I just can’t imagine intentionally trying to alter one’s ideas about reality based not on what was convincing, but on what one desired to be true. Why would you do that?
Loved this thought provoking post. I hope you listen to that nudging little voice, it is the same one that guides me.
Thanks Steph
Eva
One of the comments referred to 1 Kings 19 where God speaks to Elijah in the still, small voice. It’s perhaps worth noting that this occurs right after Elijah has been just that self-righteous “fire and brimstone” (literally) prophet. Real life isn’t predictable. God speaks to me through my two children, one a brilliant, successful youth minister aspiring to a PhD; the other a thirty-year-old with a mental age of five. In my life God has whispered and at times shouted. But then, life is real. What else should I expect?
Good point, Gary. We just need to listen, hey?
Eva
“The internet is both a blessing and a curse for the aspiring Christian; I have been in equal parts freaked out by the sheer amount of opinionated, bigoted claptrap promulgated in the name of Jesus and thrilled and inspired by the wonderful people seeking to do good in the world, trying to bring the message of Jesus to life.”
I’m a person of faith and I have found this to be true myself. It’s easy for me to get caught up in the obnoxious and just abandon everything, but then the voices of reason (even reason that I disagree with) step in and I feel less crazy. My best friend talks about feeling sane, and that’s what those folks give me. Sanity.
I like the idea of listening to reason that we may not agree with. Thanks Alise.
Eva
Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
Love. love. this post. As someone who’s faith is paramount to life, but who doubts on a daily basis with the words “Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief” I totally get the whisper and the persistence. You have beautifully articulated the doubt/faith/doubt conflict. To quote Fyodor Dostoevsky, someone who was no stranger to doubt “My hosanna is born of a furnace of doubt.” thanks for this read today.
I’m reading The Brothers Karamazov at the moment. Love Dostoevsky
Eva
Hi, eva-loved your blog! praying for y’! just two Bible verses without comment: “And He said, go forth and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind, an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake, a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire, a still small voice”(1Kings 19:11-12).
“Andye shall seek Me, and find Me, when ye shall search for Me with all your heart”(Jeremiah 29:13).
Thanks George
Eva
What a great post! And doubt is a welcome companion on the faith journey, at least in my book. Legalistic certainty – not so much. You’re asking all the right questions and you are, as Rilke so beautifully put it, “…living right into the answers.” Thanks for this.
I read your post today, a mere few hours after listening to this. It’s worth listening to:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01cjm4c
“On Start the Week Andrew Marr discusses faith and doubt. Richard Holloway started training for the priesthood from the age of 14, but as the former Bishop looks back on his life he reveals a restless spirit, always questioning his beliefs. Karen Armstrong has had similar crises of faith, and asks in a forthcoming talk, ‘What is Religion?’ For the 17th century Mexican nun, Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz, faith was wrapped up in her love of writing and poetry – her life is brought to the stage by the playwright Helen Edmundson. And Jonathan Safran Foer celebrates the Jewish text Haggadah which tells the story of the Exodus to the Promised Land.”
Thank you so much for this link, Leon. So relevent and thought provoking.
Eva
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