Today’s guest post comes from Shanda Sargent of The Upside Down Pastor’s Wife. Shanda is an all-around beautiful woman, always offering encouragement and love. Her raw honesty and humble words here make an exquisite gift that I’m honored to share. –Tamara
(What’s up with all the guest posts around here lately?)
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Stones.
Stones in the dirt.
Words in the sand.
I am the girl on the ground. Earth dirt is on my forehead, my lips, in my hair. Bits of grit are in my teeth, and my heart is filled with sludge. Sludge and darkness.
Stones.
Stones in hands more worthy than mine.
Stones that should be hurled. Without mercy.
I brace myself. I protect my head with filthy hands. I hear disgusted mumbles around me. I am scandal. I am stained. Shame wells up spilling into tears that leave muddy streaks on my cheeks and small puddles beneath my face. A ragged stick scratches mere words in the earth.
Stones.
Stones fall.
One by one.
HE touches me. I quake. Like shards of glass, HIS LIGHT pierces through my deadened soul. I am undone. HE removes my scarlet garment. I am FREE.
Whispers.
Whispers of unworthiness labor to sever me from freedom new. I scratch and claw my way to protect the remembrance of HIS touch.
I cannot.
My heart is cloudy. My head is blurred. I am in disbelief. I am lost. HE tenderly comes. HE never tires.
Whispers.
HIS whispers serenade me.
You matter.
You are seen.
You are loved.
You are worthy.
You are mine.
I cling to HIS TRUTH like air. I believe. I trust. I matter. I am seen. I am loved. I am worthy.
I am HIS.
I am grateful.
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Shanda Sargent belongs to her beloved, Matt, and homeschools their four very cool kids near the foothills of the Rockies. After almost 20 years of pastoral ministry, their family is “ruthlessly trusting” God in the midst of plan B.
You can follow her blog, The Upside Down Pastor’s Wife, where she rambles her heart’s stirrings once every couple of weeks, follow her on Twitter, or friend/subscribe to her Facebook.
Oh Shanda. My friend, you speak truth mixed with beauty. What an honor to read these words today. This kind of reminds me of the lyrics to David Crowder’s Wholly Yours.
“I am full of earth and dirt and You.”
Just lovely.
Thank you, Alise! I love David Crowder’s heart, and the line in that song is gripping. I haven’t heard it, and I am sure you have blessed me with a treasure unexpected.
Love to you, my friend! xoxo
Beautiful words, Shanda. Thanks for sharing.
This reminds me of words from song we’re singing in our school choir right now, “There is a Hope”:
Through present sufferings, future’s fear,
He whispers, “Courage!” in my ear.
For I am safe in everlasting arms,
And they will lead me home.
Adrian,
Thank you SO much! I love the lyrics you shared. His whispers most certainly to lead us “home” to the safety of HIM. I am one grateful girl to finally be HOME.
Many blessings to you!
*do…. I’m all thumbs today. LOL!
Stellar! You make me feel like I am there and I need to feel that. I need to know it was real and not just a story. I need to know there is hope for all of us, me, too.
Thank you, Ken! There most definitely is hope for us all. I am so thankful for the way HE pursues us, stands in to protect us from what we actually deserve, and washes us with grace unexpected to draw us into the shadow of HIS love and protection. I am proof that the story is real… We all are….
Absolutely beautiful. I see myself in it, which was unexpected.
Thank you, Jennifer!
As I was writing and introduction for this piece on my blog this morning, I had the thought that we are ALL in this story. We, ALL OF US, are the girl on the ground whether we reailze it or not. It is such a beautiful picture that even as the stone throwers dropped their “weapons” they realized, too, that even “they” were her. In the presence of ridiculous, upside-down mercy, truth was revealed. What a sweet saviour, indeed.
Many blessings to you!
Tamara, it is an honor that you allowed my “tiny little blog” to cross the “not so tiny” corner of yours. You are a blessing to so many. Thank you for letting me share a piece of my heart here. Love you, friend. <3
The honor’s mine today, sweets.
I am the girl on the ground. Thank God he hasn’t left me there.
“I cling to HIS TRUTH like air. I believe. I trust.”
So beautiful and true. And you seem to be bringing songs to mind today — this line is from My Deliverer on The Jesus Record (written by Rich Mullins but recorded after his death):
“My deliverer is coming; my deliverer is standing by.
I will never doubt his promise, though I doubt my heart, I doubt my eyes.”
Sarah,
You must be a kindred spirit.
Rich Mullins is/was one of my favorites. I love the song you mentioned. On “The Jesus Record” it is SO raw, the way it is recorded from that boom box. I think it must be just how GOD wanted it…. all stripped away, just leaving the message.
The quote from the lyrics you shared says it all…. we have to ruthlessly trust HIM, even if we are swallowed in doubt…. HE IS FULLY TRUSTWORTHY, and HE lavishes us in HIS “delivering” mercy.
Blessings!
Love that song and album too (just listening to it in the car this morning, actually). Lyrically speaking, that’s one of Rich’s best albums — it really seems to reflect the depth of his intimacy with Jesus… sort of like your poem here, Shanda!
The hardest thing to illustrate for the world is not that Jesus rose, or that we’ll have a better life if we do good things. The hardest thing to illustrate is the reality that, in order to receive life, we have to be broken… the clay has to be softened before it can be molded by the one who knows what shape we’re supposed to be in. And that breaking/softening leaves us in a position where we’re vulnerable… where we finally say “ok, Lord… I’ll trust you… do what you want”, and then surprisingly (to us), he just loves us. Completely.
Your poem paints that picture superbly. I’m another that could be the girl/guy in the dirt, but sometimes we forget what it was like down there. Thanks for the reminder that we’re “not all that”!
Great post, Shanda, and thanks for having her share, Tamara!
Dan,
Your comments always bless me. Always.
“In order to receive life, we have to be broken.”
There are NO truer words. Intimacy~ true intimacy with JESUS comes through our broken road. Every. Single. Time. We may have gotten “on the ground” by our own choices, and we may have “gotten on the ground” by something that happened to us, we may have even “gotten on the ground” just by the simple awareness that we can do nothing without HIM… No matter how we got there, the truth remains… We are all “there” whether we realize it or not, and the Sand Writer is always there to redeem our brokenness into something unspeakably BEAUTIFUL.
Thank you for your encouraging words, and for sharing truth in a way that comes naturally to you…..
Blessings my brother!
Absolutely beautiful. May I share this?
Thank you, Julie….. YES, please share…….
Blessings! <3
So glad God showed me how to drop my stones…
Jon,
Me, too….. me, too. I didn’t fully embrace that I was still clutching stones until I was completely leveled and on the ground with nowhere to turn but HIM. I have no more stones to throw. HIS MERCY is sweet a BEAUTIFUL.
*and (I really am all thumbs today…. never had so many typos in my life….. geeeeesh)
This is so beautiful–so beautifully true. I’m at a loss for words to describe what this stirs in my soul. The closest I can come is: abject poverty. He knows every nook and crannie of my soul–my every depravity–and yet somehow loves me anyway. Your poem brings me right up against that love that always brings me up short, stops me in my tracks.
Chad, my friend, praying that the Sand Writer floods you with grace new today. His LOVE stops me dead in my tracks, too. Perhaps those of us who most need it (abject poverty), recognize HIM in ways others don’t. I am right there with you, friend. HE is sweet to give a re-touch of grace always. HE never tires to wash HIS beautiful truth over us like quenching rain.
Blessings!
Beautiful….. absolutely beautiful!
Thank you SO much, Carol. Blessings!
Well said. This is one of those lessons I sometimes have to get dirty to learn. Again and again and again. Thank you for sharing.n
I am thankful that after every “again” HE is always there.
Blessings, Jennifer!
this is so beautiful. I needed this today.
Lindsay,
Thank you. I’m glad it touched your heart. Blessings to you!
Such true words that touched my heart today more than I can tell you. I am so thankful daily for His mercy and His willingness to come to me again and again with the reminder that I’m loved. I stopped by your blog too and was incredibly touched by your story. I’m in the midst of Plan B too. There is more life here than I imagined. Amazing new life and ministry has grown in the fertile ground of brokenness. I’m looking forward to watching this new part of your journey unfold. Thank you for the gift today.
Thank you! I am blessed that my humble offering of words touched you. We are trusting in that “fertile ground of brokenness” right along with you, friend. Sometimes plan B’s are tough, but GOD is with us, growing and healing us, making us exactly what HE needs us to be for the next thing. Thank you for taking to time to look a little bit deeper into the snippets of my story. Many blessings to you!
*explosion* Such words of life spoken here. Thank you.
Thank you…. Many, many blessings to you!
Beautiful! He pursues us, encourages us, pulls us up from our brokenness. I love this scripture – and what you have done with it!
Thank you! I cling to the truth in this story with all of my being. It’s the heart of grace, and the heart of JESUS. I love that you mention how HE pursues us. That, in and of itself, is grace divine, but HE goes the extra mile and makes something beautiful from our rags while HE romances us and binds us to HIS heart. <3 What a wonderful savior…..
Blessings to you!
I burst into tears, I printed this, and I can’t stop crying. I am grateful, and I cannot remember. So I seek Him everyday, and I talk so much I cannot hear Him. I think He just used you, for me. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Thank You.
Lisa~
I am praying for you right now….. <3
I pray that you will SOAK in HIS touch, that you will SEE within HIS tender gaze HIS overwhelming love for you… for you… for you. Just. For. You. That you will FEEL the warmth of HIS embrace, and that you will HEAR the sweet melody of HIS song being sung over you. I am praying that you will re-grab ahold of the FREEDOM that is yours~ it's been bathed in the blood of GRACE~ and that you will HOLD FAST to the TRUTH that you are HIS precious daughter. Keep seeking! If I could bottom line the journey with Jesus, I would use 4 words. Seek HIM. Trust HIM. I think you are doing just that!
Thank you for commenting. You are the very reason I write. It's worth it all to know that someone else's life has been deeply touched.
Many blessings to you, Lisa!