Today’s guest post comes from Kevin Haggerty of The Isle of Man. Somewhere beneath his unapologetically sarcastic humor is a soft heart, I’m almost totally sure. I hope you’ll enjoy his verbal road rage and let out a little of your own. –Tamara
(What’s up with all the guest posts around here lately?)
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A little while ago, I wrote a post on my blog called “Top Signs You Might Be a Jerk.” It detailed some of the tell-tale determiners that may point to you (or someone you love) being…a jerk.
It was all in good fun, but I touched a few nerves. So I’ve decided to scale it back a tad (which is a unit of measurement somewhere in between a “smidge” and a “wee bit”).
I’m done with calling people jerks. I’m way more mature than I was a few weeks ago. I’ve moved on to pointing the finger at a different segment of society:
Idiots.
They’re everywhere. But the place where they stand out the most is the road. Specifically, behind the wheel.
There’s really no hiding when you’re steering a two-ton weapon of death. If you’re an idiot, people are going to know.
They’ve got guides for everything these days. “Doing your taxes for dummies.” “How to make a bicycle using origami…and a Bic lighter.”
I thought I’d get into the act and write my own. I’m passing it on to you, free of charge.
You’re welcome.
Here it is, without further ado: “An Idiot’s Guide to Driving.”
So you want to be an “Idiot Driver?” Who can blame you? Ignorance is bliss, and if you follow these quick and easy steps, you will be elbow deep in bliss before you know it.
Here they are (in no particular order):
1) Drive under the speed limit as often as possible. It’s been socially acceptable since the invention of the microwave to always go at least the posted speed limit, but that’s not a trend you’ll be following anytime soon. No. You’re the safest driver in the universe. If the sign says “35,” you’ll be doing “30.”
You especially want to adhere to this ideology if you’re on a one-lane road and the cars behind you are unable to get around you. That’s their problem. It’s very important to remember this one fact if you’re going to go any further: “The world revolves around you!”
2) If you ever actually get to a point where the now enraged driver behind you is able to pass, don’t be cool about it. Don’t let them go ahead of you. It’s personal. You need to teach them a lesson and be the pace car for planet Earth. Wait until they get next to you, then, just like Russell Crowe in Gladiator, “unleash Hell!” Floor it. That’s right. Put that accelerator all the way to the floor. They’ll have no other option than to quickly dart back behind you, which is where you want them to be. You’re number one. The top dog. Don’t let them forget that.
Nothing will remind them of this more than when you ease that speed right back down to “30” as soon as their maneuver to “play through” has subsided.
3) You know that rod coming out of the left side of your steering wheel? It’s a lane change or turn indicator. When you move it up or down, it makes your rear blinkers activate, signaling to the people behind you what your future plans are. It helps them plan accordingly and, often, avoid accidents.
Again, not your problem. You turn when you want to. If that means they end up in a ditch or just straight up grinding down their break pads, that’s their deal, not yours.
If you really want to go above and beyond the call of duty, make sure you glare at them incredulously when they honk or drive by looking at you angrily. Signaling is for suckers, and you, my friend, are no sucker.
4) When you get to an intersection with a 4-way stop sign, just sit there and act super confused. It’s too hard to discern which car got to the intersection in which order, so just kinda “feel it out.”
When you do this, you are certain to receive the same kind of responses that came your way after “Step 3.” Don’t let that thwart the gameplan. You gotta dance with who brought you. Stick with what works. We’re committing to this, full throttle. Don’t back out now.
5) Tailgate people, even when you are able to pass them. It doesn’t matter if there’s an available lane. Your job is to make life as miserable as possible for everyone else on the road.
Follow your heart, even if it leads you into the back seat of someone’s Buick.
Summary: At the end of the day, you just gotta “do you.” If that means causing traffic jams, so be it. If that means being the driving force behind a 13-car pile-up, c’est la vie. It’s your tree, we’re all just living in it. We’re lucky you don’t charge us rent.
What else would you add to the guide?
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Kevin Haggerty is a 32-year old husband and expecting father. He runs and writes for a humor blog called TheIsleOfMan.Net. For his full-time job, Kevin is a middle school teacher and basketball coach. He also writes for a mixed martial arts (MMA) blog called MMAMania.com. He’s the oldest of seven children, a continual skeptic and smart people think he’s funny.
You can connect with him at his blog or on Twitter.
Yay Kev. I am almost afraid to admit to this, but I have been know to leap out of my car at stop signs and shake my fist in idiot’s windows and curse at them. Yeah. I know.
Well done, Kevin. You forgot-Drive a pickup truck with the entire contents of a strip mall haphazardly cinch on the bed with dental floss. Nothing says “I own this road” like randomly falling discount items to form a makeshift mine field. Thanks for hosting Tamara.
It’s imperative to drive slowly in front of a long line of traffic. Think of yourself as a driver’s ed instructor, showing them how it *should* be done.
Too funny, Kevin (although trying any of the aforementioned in Maricopa County is likely to get one shot).
I’ve one for you: Like Annie in Bridesmaids, if your brake lights are out, so what? The people operating two-ton machines behind you don’t really need to know of your intentions to slow, or stop. It’s your road.
I constantly run into the driver whose eyes are evidently extremely delicate as they always flash their lights at me to dim my highbeams… when my lowbeams are on. I suppose I should just turn my headlights off all-together to make driving at night a bit more comfortable for them.
hey Jessica…. I get that alot too. But I also know that if I’m getting that too much, it might be because my low beams are out of alignment and actually pointing too high, thus looking a lot like high beams (and no, I’m not joking.) If you’re getting that flash too often, might want to have your mechanic check it the next time the car’s in the shop.
Got your humour on big time today, Kevin! Hilarious. Even in Canadia. What annoys me is when people stop for a red light (keep reading – I’m not done) AND don’t move up far enough. So, if it’s a light that is only activated to change when a car is there, the light won’t change. Urgh.
Good to see good peeps hanging out together in the fast lane.
Wait, you guys have cars and red lights in Canada? All this time I thought you were on horses or something. Gotta say Leanne, you just lost some of your luster. Fun stuff Kevin.
On Clay, you must be thinking of the Canadian Mountings!
Haha. Oh Canadia.
There is also the right turn into a multi-lane road. You want to get to the far left lane. Don’t worry about turning into the lane directly in front of you. You need to get directly to the far lane and want to be safe about it. So you wait. You wait until everyone that thought about driving that road has passed. Then you get to the left lane and follow step one!
Particularly irksome. I frequently use an intersection near my home where the front driver ignores the “Right Turn on Red . . .” sign and just parks, waiting for the light to change.
Oops! Was supposed to read:
Don’t worry about turning into the lane directly in front of you **and merging**
So many great responses so far! Very funny stuff.
Keep them coming!
If you drive a semi, you most likely fall under this category at some point in your life. Just throwing it out there…
“I’m done with calling people jerks. I’m way more mature than I was a few weeks ago. I’ve moved on to pointing the finger at a different segment of society:
Idiots.”
I loved this entire post! My favorite “sweet, well-meaning drivers,” bless their hearts, are the ones who tailgate you in thick traffic. They tailgate you like they want you to get over, but if you were to get over, they’re just behind another 50 to 1000 cars. There’s no where to go, yet these lovely drivers hold you personally responsible for making them late.
I’m getting a little bit tired of all the Haggerty’s invading the internet.
That being said, I’ve been guilty of all of these things, but entirely on purpose. So….I guess I’m still in the “jerk” category.
Sadly, you fall into both categories. There’s hope for you though. You’re not dead. Plenty of time to become less of a blight on all of humanity.
Love,
Kevin
P.S. You may as well come to terms with the Haggerty takeover. Resistance is futile. Plus, look at the bio pic. How could you not want to hug that guy?
Kevin, thanks for sharing with us today. You brought your A-game, son.
I’ll add a special note just for motorcyclists: What better way to show the world you’re proud of your tiny little vehicle than to weave it at top speed between great big lumbering cars. Just slap a bumper sticker on that tells everyone else to watch out for you– you’ve given fair warning, and now you can do your thing.
Did you just “get gangster” on me?
Good tip on the motorcyclists. What gets me is when they get together in a group and take up the whole road, driving in both lanes, going either exactly the speed limit or less than that. You can’t pass them. Not without a rocket launcher or a hovercar. Soon, I will have acquired both. It’s only a matter of time. That is bad news for motorcycle riders…and really for anyone who annoys me.
Personally, at the ol’ four way stop, I prefer to the old childhood game “red light, green light.” This is where you sit still, maybe even waving someone on, but as soon as they start to role, you gun it for about 3 yards, then slam the brakes again. Do this 2 or 3 times to really get the people around you in a fit of rage.
Since most drivers are idiots who will park forever at a stop sign, wait 1.5 seconds and then take the right of way no matter whose turn it was supposed to be. If they won’t move, I will.
Interpret “yield” to mean “floor the gas pedal as hard as possible, causing all drivers you were previously instructed to yield to to brake at an alarming rate, ensuring elevated heart rates and a chorus of honking horns, as well as a smattering of looks of disbelief and perhaps a raised finger or two”
Didn’t get the point of this one. The true idiot treats the yuield sign as a stop (park) sign.
I’ve been stuck behind more than my fair share of idiots in the last 24 hours alone. One of my biggest pet peeves are drivers’ inability to increase speed as they’re getting on a highway ramp or their inability to merge. Tennesseans are the WORST!!! I’m sorry but going 30 mph is going to get us both killed.
One of my favorite things to yell ineffectually at those people is “Merge like you mean it!” followed by cutesie nicknames…
When taking a left from a stop sign on a two lane road onto a busy highway; especially when driving a large vehicle, make sure to inch forward far enough so that the person trying to take a right onto that same highway can’t see to their left.
If they try to inch past you to see, pull up a little farther as if saying, “I’m sorry little car, but it’s just not safe enough for you to go out there right now. Trust that I know what’s best and let me shield you with my Canyonero. Once I go, you’ll know that it’s safe for you to move as well. No need to thank me.”.
This is a huge pet peeve of mine as well. Good contribution.
Kevin, I only drive under the posted speed limit when somene tailgates me. What does that make me? Am I an idiotic jerk?
Depends on how you were going when said tailgating began. If you were in the left lane (or if it’s a one-lane road, the only lane) and you were going exactly the speed limit or under…you might be both. If you were going a respectable speed…no…the guy deserves it.
If there is a parking spot you desire, claim it with all of the fervor you can muster. Should this mean that your rear-end sticks out into the road, oh well. Do not be concerned if you are blocking the parking lane so that other cars cannot pass as you wait. Most importantly, if the vehicle you are waiting on involves a family unloading, groceries/purchases being stowed away, and/or children being buckled in, be sure to express your displeasure at the time they are taking.
Oops, that was me. Not anonymous. I could do this all day. Roundabouts would be my next point.
Make sure also to yield at ALL intersections. To yield is to slow to at least 15 miles an hour, and it doesn’t at all matter if you are at an intersection with a green light. Furthermore, if traffic is actually coming crossways, make sure you stop until you are sure they are going to stop at their red light. Whatever you do, don’t assume that anyone knows that the red light they are approaching means they should stop.
Three more:
1. When the light turns green, wait awhile to be sure it’s really green.
2. If you approach a green light, slow down to give it plenty of time to turn red, then dash through at the last second and leave everyone behind you stopped for the next cycle.
3. On a four-lane, drive right beside someone at or below the speed limit so no one can get past you. So what if his wife is having a baby or his mother just had a heart attack.
“On a four-lane, drive right beside someone at or below the speed limit so no one can get past you.”
That guy is terrible. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned my head and yelled through the glass of my totally rolled up window: “WHY ARE YOU DRIVING NEXT TO ME??!??!!!”
I may have anger issues.
All these things are even more fun when you’re driving a motorhome. Passing lanes on two-lane roads are always going uphill, where my motorhome just couldn’t accelerate enough to get around.
hahahaha… This is hilarious!!
Thanks Claire. Glad you enjoyed it.
Kevin:
Very funny! I feel that I should answer your questions honestly.
1. In your response to The Joseph Craven you ask rhetorically regarding your bio picture, “How could you not want to hug that guy?” I’m wondering if your picture relates to Tamara’s tweet today in which she brags that she got carded. Did you steal and consume the beverages she bought? Just wondering
2. What would I add? I have one “You’re and idiot driver!!!” exception. If the driver is going 25 in a 50mph zone (happened to me just last week), and I eventually pass the driver and look and see that the guy is over the age of 85, I change “You’re an idiot!” to “Bless you Old Man!”
As I said, this happened to me last week…but it was just an idiot.
Love this! My ex-boyfriend’s name for these folks was “regulators,” as in: “They don’t have enough joy or power in their day-to-day lives, so they have to find it this way.” We usually encountered this phenomenon on our one-lane drive to the coast (an hour away sans regulators), who would–as per your guide–accelerate when passing lanes popped up, so that you had to go 80 miles on a winding road if you wanted to have any hope of passing them.
Timely this. I just about got crashed last night at the 4 way stop down the street. Someone was already stopped as I rolled up. No other car in sight. I stop, he goes, I start to go, the guy behind him doesn’t stop. The two idiots are playing catch me if you can. Weird that all of us ‘needed’ to go to the convenience store on the very corner (my excuse was chocolate, honest). The guy that almost hit me parked and stayed in his truck, I think he thought I was coming after him. After staring into his high beams for a long time (oh I wish I was wearing my collar!) I went into the store. He left.
Having two lanes and two people drive side by side BELOW or at the speed limit… That’s a classic move where I live >_<…
Yay! I’m not an idiot for the most part. If I did drive, I might be a little bit of an idiot because I see the speed limit as a maximum speed.
Strange . . . I’ve always considered them as minimums.
Fortunately I don’t drive, therefore I’m not an idiot.
“It’s too hard to discern which car got to the intersection in which order, so just kinda “feel it out.”” – Priceless.
Is it just me, or do folks who drive trucks feel that lanes are suggestions and they’re free to wander where their heart leads them?