Today’s fun guest post comes from Jessica Buttram of Meet the Buttrams. Jessica has a beautiful heart and a killer wit. It’s my pleasure to share her funny stuff with you here, but it looks like you’ll have to get your own Double Stuf yourself. –Tamara
(What’s up with all the guest posts around here lately?)
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So, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but last year a few* professional athletes participated in a league lockout, and sports fans everywhere died slow, painful deaths while being forced to endure uncontested marathons of Wife Swap.
This occurred in both the NBA and the NFL, and it got me thinking: What would a Stay-at-Home Mom Lockout look like?
First of all, according to all our tax documents, I make zero dollars. Considering that my seven-year-old makes more money than me just by losing teeth, any increase in pay would be progress, right?
But, and I’m speaking on behalf of most stay-at-home moms, money would be the LEAST of things on my list of demands.
Actually, you know what, why don’t I just draft up a copy of my hypothetical Collective Bargaining Agreement for you. Cool?
COLLECTIVE BARGAINING AGREEMENT OF THE SAHM
LENGTH OF AGREEMENT: 2028 when Youngest Dependent turns 18, unless of course one or more decide to live at home indefinitely. As of right now, I am okay with that scenario but reserve the right to change said levels of enthusiasm depending on exponential amount of laundry and grocery consumption.
REVENUE SPLIT: Breadwinner – 49-51%, Dependents – 49-51%, SAHM – 0%. I will waive my cut of any revenue if I can cash it in for an extra hour of sleep every morning, no less than ten undisturbed minutes of showering everyday, and a secret stash of Double Stuf Oreos accessible only by me.
MINIMUM CONTRACT SALARY: Hugs and kisses from Dependents on demand.
MAXIMUM CONTRACT SALARY: I’m gonna go for broke here and say ZERO WHINING WHEN IT’S BATH TIME.
MAXIMUM CONTRACT EXTENSION LENGTH: Sooooooo not applicable. This uterus is CLOSED. Unless I hold a devastatingly cute Newborn for any length of time. Baby fever is highly contagious.
TRADES: Absolutely willing to trade every pair of heels and hot pants I own for unstained sweats, tee-shirts and hoodies that don’t look TOO ratty to wear out in public, a pair of pajama jeans for every day of the week, and those Skechers that are supposed to give me abs. (If I wear them to Starbucks, that counts, right?)
AMNESTY: 1-2 Dependent(s) affecting appropriate degree of remorse for violating salary agreements and/or particularly adorable wounded-puppy eyes. (It’s the trembly bottom lip move that gets me every time. Every. Time.)
SIGNED: Signatures of all parties required, although we might have to wait until the little one learns how to spell her name. Or at least learns not to poop in her pants. Whichever comes first.
Nothing like a little legal documentation to amp up this whole “parenthood” thing, right? What would your demands be? (And don’t act like you’ve never dreamt this up.)
*Multiplied by ALL OF THEM.
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Jessica blogs for free but tweets for doughnuts. She is probably laughing at this very moment, most likely at her kids. She is also your Number One Fan.
This is hilarious!! Love it!!
My demands would include more sleep, where I don’t have to wake to wipe butts, and at least 1 full day a month -guilt free- to spend how I wish. Alone.
EXCELLENT foresight on the one day a month thing. Addendum!
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I will do dishes for back rubs. Definitely need to renegotiate!
Ooh, back rubs. Better stick that one in there too.
Loved this! I’d include a clause stating that for 12 consecutive hours following a thorough house cleaning, sand-filled shoes remain outside and food is eaten over plates at a table.
It’s like you’re reading my mind.
THAT right there is the precise reason why I refuse to clean. (Unless we’re expecting company. I can’t have people thinking we live in a barn.)
So, Jessica, what’s the contract look like for the breadwinner, then? Now that’s something I’d want to see. =)
My husband’s contract gives him nights and weekends off. He might work 12 hours a day every now and then, but once he’s home, he’s off-duty. No midnight-teething-babies-grumpster wake up calls for him. SIGH.
Too funny! Where do I begin?? I’ve only been doing this SAHM thing for 16 months now… can I get a contract already??
OF COURSE. They should have the equivalent of prenups for SAHMs.
I have nothing witty to add because I don’t have a uterus and I’m not a SAHM, but I just thought that this was really well done and funny.
And it talked about Double Stuf Oreos and I’m PRO-OREOs so I mean there’s that, you know?
No uterus? No wonder I failed Bio 101.
LISTEN, let us all unite beneath the banner of Oreos.
Love this. Thanks for sharing with us, Jess.
As a mom of a hormonal preteen, I do have one change to make to the Length of Agreement: There is no option of “indefinite.” Once you’re raised, you’re out, kiddo. But you can come visiting with hugs and Double Stuf Oreos any time.
Thanks for having me! Right now my kids still hug me around the knees and ask for cuddles, so indefinite sounds okay right now.
We’ll revisit this in three or four years.
I read an article recently that the value of the stay at home mom is $96,000 per year. I’d take that in peanut M&M’s and two grown, happy, healthy productive kids! Loved this!
Thanks! Peanut M&M’s. Yes.
AND NO, I’M NOT SHARING. Get your own, smalls. That’s what allowances are for.
I have four kids and work outside the home, but I totally agree with your collective bargaining agreement! Brilliant.
You should have a special addendum because you’re both a full-time mom and an employee elsewhere. At least my employers don’t mind if I’m in pajamas at 2pm.
I am not a full-time SAHM, but have spent many daytime hours home with the kids. I’d add something like a “get out of jail free card” equivalent, usable only occasionally but without explanation needed. An example would be the phone call my husband receives occasionally basically saying: “I am about to lose it, and I am not sure what I will do next but I don’t think it will be good. You should probably come home now.”
OOH. Good one. I know I’ve pulled that move once or twice. Maybe thrice. Times five. Or so.
“This uterus is CLOSED.”
I love you, Jessica Buttram!
The Newborn would have to be CRIMINALLY adorable to reevaluate that. Like, their cuteness would have to cure cancer or something.
You could add an “Allowable Circumstantial Evidence” clause. That thing where Mom knows one of the kids did it based on the circumstantial evidence left behind, yet all of said kids claim complete innocent. Mom has ability to render a guilty verdict to any and all regardless of whether guilt has been proven or not.
Ooh, I like that. Spread the gospel that PARENTS SEE ALL.
I loved “This uterus is CLOSED” and “my seven-year-old makes more money than me just by losing teeth.” Hilarious article or great plan, one or the other. Just one question: Can woman live by Oreos alone? No Snickers or fudge?
That is a profound question, Mr. Walker. Maybe I should add a clause allowing for changing tastes.
Wait a minute. You own heels and hot pants?
XO
They are relics from my college/clubbin’ days. I’ve sadly held onto them “just in case.”
As a soon-to-be dad, can we please add a date night monthly? I really want to have time alone with my soon-to-be-mom of a wife!
Congrats, Matt!
Here here!
I could work a monthly date night into the agreement.
“This UTERUS is closed!” Same thing my wife says when my kids even broach the sibling subject. I mean–come on: she & I are in our 40s! Our 13yo wants a brother, and his 5yo sister wants a sister. And dang if I didn’t catch her praying for one last night at dinner!
“You heard that, daddy?”
“Darn tootin’! Ain’t happening!”
“You said ‘tooting!’”
And so it goes…
Great post!
Oh, dear.
When my son started praying for his baby sister long before we were ready to do THAT again (at like, age 3. They’re six years apart.) we just kept telling him Jesus must not have heard him because he wasn’t praying hard enough.
KIDDING. I promise.
Your agreement is quite close to perfection, though I’d rather take my pay in peanut butter M&Ms.
And I’d throw in a clause saying no judgement should be given for occassional impulse buys of high-heels &/or makeup as a form of therapy. Sometimes new lipstick makes smiles come a little easier. (when did I become this girly?! I say it’s from having no other females in our house!)
I like the impulse buy clause. Mine would probably be Sharpies, though.
Like Knox, I too lack a uterus. I’d tell you that I’m jealous, but I’d be being disingenuous.
In all seriousness, hat’s off to you. Being a stay at home mom is underrated. Society hates on SAHM’s like it’s a secondary job for women who can’t do anything else. So untrue. Your kids will be grateful for the rest of their life for the sacrifice you’re making. And if they aren’t, maybe you can re-negotiate the labor agreement. When is the trade deadline on dependents?
The term for this agreement is 2028. I think any trades will have to be when we can transfer our doting to our kids’ kids. That’s how it now works with my parents anyway.
J Butt and TOL. The internet shutters. Brilliance abounds. Then it rebounds. Then it goes out of bounds but just a little bit before coming back in abounds.
Look at you with your sports talk. Or something. I don’t know, touchdown.
Uterus schmooterus. My wife, like Knox and Kevin does not have a uterus. Unlike them she is a woman of exceptional beauty and foresight. She is not willing to birth another child but is looking for a basket outside our door weekly if not daily.
I don’t think I speak to boldly to say on her contract she wants a no eye rolling clause. We have 2 teen girls. Yikes, you read right. I live with 2 teen girls and my wife. With the estrogen factories in a full-blown frenzy it’s a wonder I haven’t grown a uterus. *rimshot*
I can ONLY imagine how many times my mother wanted to smack our rolling eyes right outta our heads. I’ll take sarcasm if it’s at least sharp and witty over the eyeroll.
(I say that NOW…)
Awesome post. I agree with adding in one guilt free day a month to do whatever I want!
And…no complaining on family chore day. (Okay…minimal complaining)