Today’s guest post comes from Aletheia of According to Aletheia. She is gifted to draw out raw beauty in both paint and print. I encourage you to see her artwork at her site; It’s my pleasure to share her words with you here. –Tamara
(What’s up with all the guest posts around here?)
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“I just didn’t want to think about the loneliness anymore. And I knew that doing this would make me forget it. So I masturbated.”
She went on to talk about other things so matter-of-factly–what she felt and what went through her mind before, during, afterwards, but we both knew that this was the golden nugget, that this was the real heart of the matter: She wanted to avoid the loneliness.
We all want to avoid the loneliness.
—
I got into my car pissed. Here we go again. The anger rose from me like cool rain on a warm pavement.
I pulled onto the highway. The mall? Target? Panera–for some chai tea? I do love chai tea…
I drove.
And my mind was a jumble gym.
I was so angry, so frustrated, so not feeling it again.
I could smell my disgust.
My anger reeked something fierce.
I felt like a teenager who just wanted to break something.
I felt like an adult who just wanted to break something.
I just wanted to break something.
I kept driving.
And even though my anger was loud it wasn’t the only child in the room:
Aletheia, you’re really upset. You’re not feeling seen. That is what this is about. You’re feeling really alone…
I didn’t want to listen.
I didn’t care.
I just wanted to do my thing; go shopping, forget about it, feel better. Plus I had something to return and some definite items that I needed…
I just wanted to do my thing.
She had just wanted to do her thing.
We were so alike.
We are so alike.
And yet somehow before that confession, offered as we sat together on my kitchen floor, I had forgotten this. I had been a bit smug on the inside, quick to want to help her see the lies, eager to move in and call checkmate.
I thought of another friend who had once told me that loneliness could be one of the most significant vehicles, a transporting towards the Lord if we would let it.
But that night I didn’t want to let it.
That night I had this choice–to move towards the Lord–to literally change direction. I had the choice to be honest about and interact with my emotions, asking God to breathe life into these raw places instead of opting to self-sooth. But that night it didn’t happen. That night I didn’t want to let it.
And so I didn’t and I chose to keep going.
I arrived at the store, picked out a few cute whatevers and left with more things. And while the purchases were small, it was really a big thing; there was such power in this choice.
As the cashier rang up the final item and I swiped my credit card, I thought about the me underneath that choice. I thought about the deepest parts of who I am and how I am and never will be above another. I thought about how very essential it is for me to remember this. And I thought about how much choice is a grace. I don’t deserve to be able to make choices in life, to have freedoms offered me, and yet the Lord extends so often, inviting me to decide what it is I really want. And that is a true grace.
That. Is. Grace.
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Aletheia (uh-lay-thee-uh, Greek for TRUTH) finds her days full of her favorites– art, reading and writing, and living life with college students. She sits on her kitchen floor as much as possible, single-handedly supports good earth tea, and adores hole-in-the-wall-dives. Aletheia is in love with the God who redeems all life, and is on the hunt to see this good God in all things.
For more of her writings and art, check out According to Aletheia. You can connect with her on Twitter and Facebook too.
You drive, I run – from loneliness, from wanting to break something so I won’t have to break. Power in the choice and yet He, God, still extends it to us. Wow! Thank you for your vulnerability
Love this: Choice is grace. What powerful stuff, Aletheia! Looking forward to reading more on your blog.
“youhavemyword” thanks so much for sharing! grateful for the chance to share
thanks so much, Sarah
Aletheia, thank you so much for sharing your words and your heart with us here today.
thanks SO much for letting me! what great, great privilege
This was an awesome, vivid word picture of what it means to experience Jesus’ grace, even when we don’t deserve it. Loved it and I’ve subscribed to your blog. Thanks, Aletheia!
you’re so kind, Adrian. appreciate the words. gentle blessings today–
So, so powerful. It’s humbling to realize that we have a choice and how we complicate what should be an easy decision. How often do I choose to self-soothe instead of move toward God and His grace? Thank you for sharing, Aletheia.
Leigh–ah yes–so very humbling. isn’t THAT the truth…yes. and yes–noticing how we self-soothe (unhealthily) is a great practice to work at. thanks for reading.
It’s funny how unsoothing self-soothing can be… no matter what form it takes. Thank you for sharing that. Grace… that is something to meditate upon.
oh how very right you are. and yes–can’t get enough of that grace. ever. thanks for reading.
You know I used to free-solo a quite a bit when I was feeling darkest (I’m sure you can google it if you don’t know what it is). There was something about being literally half a step away from death that took the edge off. One wrong move and that would be it. Sometimes I would tell myself it was like prayer– and maybe every once in a while it was, but usually it was just running. Running like Jonah. It was like trying to find my own way out of pain without God. Maybe I didn’t like His way. Maybe I couldn’t stand the waiting. But no matter how it goes (or went) my self-soothing shows my lack of trust and faith in His kind intention towards me.
I don’t do a lot of free-soloing these days but I do know that trust is something precious.
hm wow. thanks for your honesty here. and yeah–i think there’s a lot to be said about how much beefing up our faith and trust and RESTING in HIM need…i also think there’s something to be said about the fact that in a lot of this we are so young, so inexperienced and there’s a whole lot of grace for this (so much grace for this, hallelujah!) and to me, so much of growing and maturing is learning the ways in which we do things (the good, the bad, the ugly…) and deciding whether or not we want to keep on keeping on in that particular way…i like to think about it in this way–instead of replacing this “wrong” for this “right,” what about inviting the Godhead into that exact place…
(i sure hope this makes sense here as much as it does in my head. regardless, grateful to continue the conversation, for sure).
I don’t really get the last bit. I’ll think on it some more, but you might want to rephrase it for me if you really want it to sink in.
maybe it would help by sharing a story? ursula le guin recounts this tale about a young boy who, while playing with some friends, accidentally conjures up an evil spirit. freaked out, the boy tries everything he can to try and get rid of it–fighting, fleeing, ignoring…but nothing works…the spirit keeps on keeping on. in the end, in defeat, he simply puts his arm around it, embraces it and POOF, it’s gone.
i guess what i am trying to get at here, is that so much of the time we try to avoid or get rid of or fight that in us that we don’t like–or we even try to replace it with something better, something more ‘christiany” and while that isn’t necessarily wrong, to me, it’s also not necessarily automatically right…
my understanding of God these days is God’s desire to enter all-to be a part of it all–so one of the things i am spending more time thinking about and trying on the idea of is what it means to invite Him into all things.
in conclusion (ha!) i think sometimes/more often than not we are too hard on ourselves–we look at ALL THE THINGS WE DO THAT ARE WRONG/outside of His will/whatever (“i just need more trust”) instead of just sitting with Him in those things and acknowledging, yeah, ok, so i can grow in this area, but i’m so grateful that He’s here too…and that–that’s also grace. grace for ourselves, being gentle with our hearts, where we’re at. right. now.
(maybe that makes more sense? maybe not…ha…and maybe it’s completely a bunny trail…regardless…thanks for listening
Funny, I’ve read that story… which is neither here nor there. One time I was out soloing (by myself obviously) and I got stuck. I was on a two-foot-wide ledge (pretty comfy all things considered) and the way forward and up seemed above my level and the way back, well… I’m staring at what I think is the best way out for about an hour just standing on a ledge alone in the mountains out in the wilderness. No one knew where I was. There are about five moves between me and switching from climbing back to relaxing hiking. But if I don’t make those five or so moves I will fall about a hundred and fifty feet… at which point if I am somehow not dead I will wish that I was.
So I’m thinking that this could be anything. This could be masturbation. This could be drinking. This could be shopping. How, though, do you “invite the Godhead,” into that situation? I made the five moves (I’m not typing this on a laptop hooked to a sat phone). That trip was not without consequences, however. At one point I grabbed a ledge to pull up on and the ledge broke off and I fell ten feet through the air landing flat on my back with the rather large piece of ledge on my chest. I thought I had broken a rib or two for a few days– but when I got to the doctor he said I was just bruised. He didn’t know the half of it.
What would it mean to invite God into this (during or after the fact)? I don’t understand.
is your question about the physical climb that you took or more metaphorical?
Both physical and metaphorical… of course.
Thank you for this. *hugs*
I drive, I sleep, or I occasionally punch something or yell at someone (talk about unhealthy channels). Sometimes I feel bad for not taking the anger to God; sometimes I would really rather just be angry! “Choice is a grace” – I love that perspective. Thank you so much for sharing, Aletheia.
monica: oh i hear you on that “i would really rather just be angry.” i think i’m the queen of snubbing God when it comes to that…ha.
thanks for reading.
Last night I threw myself a little pity party and went to sleep choosing to be miserable instead of going to God with my strange emotions. It was a little pathetic. As I was reflecting on it today, I remembered your article. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing Aletheia. I don’t always want to let God handle it. Sometimes I just want to break some stuff too.
The power of destruction brings a peace. It’s wrong but it is control. Thanks.
ah yes. breaking things. def have done that and def am not convinced that this is always wrong. just my thoughts, though…thanks for reading
Thank you for your vulnerability.
thank YOU for reading!
Aletheia, this was fantastic. A great description of our temptation to find comfort in everything (and everyone!) else we can before we go to the Lord. I am the poster-child for going to great lengths and dark places to get what I “think” I need, and I know I am running because I want the “need” met immediately, I’m not willing to feel the ache in order to choose obedience.When I realized that was the root of most of my struggles, my prayer became, “Be enough for me. Be more than enough.”
hm. wow. great prayer, Tammy. thanks for sharing that. and yeah–that ache? WHAT a scary and hard thing. and the courage to face it? that much harder and scarier. but worth it? worth the Company that you’ll find there, sitting in the midst? every time. thanks for reading