It came on out of nowhere, a small thing turned big, a feeling– normally dismissed– now wielding supernatural strength. It claimed hold; it held tight.
First the anger, then the sadness, tired beyond tired, done.
Submerged, suffocated.
Me.
***
My depression sprung up on Saturday, and it didn’t care that the next day I had to sing. And not just sing– lead.
Lead worship.
Sunday’s alarm jolted at 6 a.m., and I took eleven minutes. Not to snooze, but to consider sending a text: Sorry. Sick. Can’t make it. The message would’ve been true.
But in those moments, in that bed where I had lain captive to depression the long night before, I saw for the first time in three-quarters of a day that I finally had a choice. And if you do not know depression, I have to impress upon you this: The choice to fight it is a rare and precious gift.
I laid there, and I thought of the pastor who prefaced his lesson with a confession that he was spiritually dry and then stepped out in faith to speak vibrant truth to 2000 of my fellow worship leaders and me. And I realized that between my bedtop and the floor was the space my feet would have to swing through to take my own faith step.
Twenty-four inches to choose truth.
***
I walked up to the quiet sanctuary and fell in line beside my friends. He carried her guitar, and his “How are you?” was sincere. I chanced that maybe they could carry my luggage, too.
“I almost didn’t make it here today.”
And I told them about the battle, that this morning I was fighting. They didn’t shrink back. They picked up my burden, and a little of me too, and we walked in to lead worship, broken, together.
__________________________________________________________
Beautiful post.
Thanks, Shawn.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Giving our stories, our struggles, a voice gives permission for others to do the same. It makes me personally feel less alone and my burden less.
I’m so glad it helps.
I know depression (we’re likethis) and I understand the magnitude of the choice you made. Thank you for sharing, for being unafraid to tell the truth.
Thank you. I’m more afraid not to tell it.
Beautiful!
Yes we often more choices then we think we do. Yay for you! You made some wise ones … getting out of bed and sharing your struggle with others.
Thank you, Janet.
“They didn’t shrink back. They picked up my burden, and a little of me too, and we walked in to lead worship, broken, together.”
You know I love this. And in case I haven’t made it abundantly clear, I am so thankful that you have shared a portion of your journey for the Not Alone book. Your courage means more to me than I can possibly put into words. So proud to call you my friend.
Likewise, my friend. And I’m glad you mentioned the book– I wanted to direct people to it, but I didn’t want to end my post with anything that might sound like a sales pitch. But there are so many, even just responding here, who I know could be helped by it.
So here’s the Not Alone book, everyone! Alise edited a collection of essays on living with depression, and one of mine is included in it: http://store.civitaspress.com/books/275
I love the picture of 24 inches to choose truth. So close…yet so far.
Thanks for sharing your story! Usually I just hear about the good times or the part about when the struggle is over. I think people need to share more of the broken sides of their lives as it is happening. It gives hope to those who may be getting tired while walking the same path.
“So close… yet so far.” Exactly.
And I feel the same way as you about the good in sharing the hard stuff. There’s blessing in the brokenness, I think.
Beautifully written, and true.
Thanks, Annie.
Yeah, the old deadly depression. Seems I have that way too dang often, these days. Not many “up” days. It’s always a fight, and sometimes it seems to take more energy than I’ve got.
That was me as “Anonymous”. Passwords SUCK sometimes.
Yeah, the old deadly depression. Seems I have that way too dang often, these days. Not many “up” days. It’s always a fight, and sometimes it seems to take more energy than I’ve got.
I’m so glad you’re here, and not anonymous– living out the struggle in the open, and most certainly not alone.
Love it. Wonderful job.
Thanks so much.
Love you.
Love you back.
Great way to express that bone-tired, dried-out choice to face the world. Well done to choose not only to face the world but to choose to worship in doing so.
Thank you. It was a hard choice, but it was the right one– God showed up all over the place.
You don’t know how much this resonates with me right now. Thank you!
I am so glad; thank you for letting me know.
I get this. You know I do.
Beautiful.
Thank you, friend.
Hi, tamara-wow! thanks for sharing! you also? i know depression, and all last week, i had really felt the grip of depression in my life; finances, my son’s wedding coming up on saturday, poor choices that had tracked me down through the years; i mean, this could be felt! i found myself being cranky and rude for no apparent reason…self pity: it was all there, and i too, lead praise and worship at our church orning and evening. the Holy Spirit impressed upon me (Psalm 42:5; 11; and Psalm 43:5), that david also wrestled with depression. then, the Holy Spirit again impressed upon me what david did (1Samuel 30:6)…he encouraged himsef in the things of God! so i prayed and read God’s Word, and things certainly looked brighter, though even today, i feel like i’ve been run over by a truck! we’re in a warfare (Ephesians 6:10-18), and…this is scary…if things get going too well, satan comes looking for us (1Peter 5:8)! sorry you had to go through that, but…it probably will happen again until we get to glory! be strong! pray! keep close to Abba! Romans 8: “if God be for us who can be against us”(8:31)? keep those blogs coming!
Thanks so much for those verses. I think you’re absolutely right– the more we read scripture and sang words inspired by it yesterday, the more renewed I felt.
When under the burden of depression, 24 inches can feel like an impossible mile. I am so glad that you took that leap of faith, for in doing so, you allowed the strength and faith of your friends to lift you, and the holy spirit to renew you. Good work Tamara, and thanks for sharing that struggle – you have clearly given encouragement to many people. I hope they all go out and get that book!
Thanks, Mom. I know the book will be such a help to people with this struggle.
Yesterday was a hard day. I don’t think it was a coincidence that depression tried to kick your butt when you were going to lead worship on 9/11. There was and is a spiritual heaviness associated with that day, that event, and those that are called to lead play a part in carrying the heaviness, breaking through the heaviness to find joy, peace and God on the other side.
Do you ever wonder if Jesus had a hard time getting up on the morning he would face Gethsemane? I’m guessing he did….. and he made a choice, just like you did yesterday.
By the way, young lady, you have friends in the “twitterverse” and online world that would pray for you if they knew you were struggling. It’s ok to throw a “having a hard day… appreciate any prayers” out there now and then. (I suppose I ought to do that once in a while myself… why do we expect our friends to ask for help but we try to carry our burdens ourself?)
By the way, something you said made me think of the way certain “triggers” kick in depression for me: “a small thing turned big…. First the anger, then the sadness, tired beyond tired, done.”
That sounds exactly like what happens to me occasionally. Typically there will be a blowout argument (almost always with my oldest), and I’ll be angry at him, angry at myself{anger}, start feeling like a failure {sad}, then find myself completely drained of energy {tired beyond tired} and barely able to function.
This cycle has repeated itself enough for me to recognize it, and it has me wondering about the physical/chemical stuff going on internally… if that is part of what’s going on. It’s the same way we get a sugar high, then crash, or get an adrenaline rush when we do something very physically exerting, then crash.
I suspect that there is a rush of endorphines or adrenaline or something that hits when we get really angry, then when the anger subsides, something else goes on…. the physical feeling of “tired beyond tired” may be a direct consequence of the chemical swings going on in our body as we react to emotional triggers.
Anyhow, the reason I bring that up is that recognizing it for what it is makes it easier for me to combat it. When I get depressed because I’ve lost my temper and I’m tempted to wallow in the negative thoughts (“I’m such a loser… when will I ever stop being such an ass. How can I expect God to use me when I’m such an unworthy piece of crap?”), I am able at times to recognize that my body is physically reacting to the anger — I don’t have to believe the “trash talk” going on in my mind.
There’s even a great Biblical example — Elijah calls down fire from heaven and is victorious over the false prophets of Baal, and then he runs away and hides, asking God to just let him die.
Sorry for the longwinded comment, but the way you worded your intro made me think that maybe you go through something similar. Recognizing the battle is partly chemical/physical and not just spiritual might make it easier for you and others to combat the depression, as it has me. It still takes a while for the physical body to get the energy back, but it doesn’t take as long for my mind to let go of the negative baggage.
This chokes me up, in a good way.
You are so lovely.
You are too gracious.
Oh, Tamara, I love this! I’ve been at the mercy of that choice before. I know the chasm between head and heart and action and cocooning. I’m so glad you swung your feet out of bed and gave your friends a chance to minister to and with you. I wonder if the congregation felt more ministered to in return as well?
I don’t know– I sure hope so. I was thinking of them as I sang.
Thanks so much for sharing this. When watching our worship team, I always think there must be days they would have rather stayed home. And, there have been times I feel like I’m failing as a Christian when I’m not “bringing it.” The battle has already been won for us. Thank God.
Thank God, indeed.
Found your blog via Alise …and glad I did.
I’ve been where you just described, and am partially there right now. I’m not 100% sure why, though I know a few stress points that aren’t helping any. (It could also be due to the lack of a blood pressure med that my doctor’s office refuses to issue a refill prescription for … looks like I’ll have to wait until my appt. with him on Friday to find out those details.)
Sometimes we need to “give in” and recuperate. Most of the time, though, we need to travel that 24 inches, and let the good stuff travel the 18 inches from head to heart later.
Thanks for coming over. I really hope the doctor’s office gets your refill sorted out quickly!
yeah. been there. been there on the worship team, even. thanks for telling your story. *HUG*
Thanks for reading, and for the hug.
I’m glad we got to sing together, Tamara.
I’m also glad we’re friends.
Me too.
Me too.
Some days loneliness and the preumption that anyone I meet already doesn’t like me comes and sits on my chest and dares me to try and breathe. No matter how good, how full, how abundant things may be. There it is, pressing into my ribs with its knees like an unwelcome but familar lover. Flannery O’Connor told a short story once in which Holy Ghost descends onto a man as ice instead of fire, an enduring chill that haunts his being with the reality that God is. Some of us are just a little bit more haunted than others on this slow ache toward Home. Thanks for being a friend for the journey, Tamara.
Always.
Beautiful and moving post, Tamara. Depression has hit various members of my family. I’ve seen how much of a struggle it can be to fight. I’m glad you chose to sing.
Thank you. I’m glad I had the choice.
So thankful for you, and for our dear (mutual!) friends who helped you know you were in the right place.
Thank you, friend. You are gracious to me every chance you get.
I really needed to hear this after having a similar weekend. I wish I’d chosen to take that step. Thankfully, every day offers a new choice.
So glad you see that. Grateful for daily mercy.
I’m touched by Trish’s comment, “I’m glad you chose to sing”. Your voice has been described, many times over, as “the voice of an angel”. So, no matter how crappy you were feeling, the gift of your voice, and the words you were given to sing, must have been a blessing to someone. And that matters. Big time.
<3
Thanks, Mom.
I’m not sure how angelic my voice was this time. But I know that God can use it, no matter what.
This sounds like I felt on Sunday morning. I had tried 3-4 times to write a sermon for Sunday A.M. I just decided to fly without a net, prayed for help, and the words came spilling out. God will provide…
Depression is something I fight every day. 30 years of chronic back problems can do that. Everyone has their cross to carry. May you be blessed to have the strength to carry yours…
Love your work…
Thank you, Dennis.
God will provide. And how.
So strange. Saturday was awful for me too. I can relate to this so much.
So sorry to hear it, my friend. Hope each day since has left you a little lighter.
I get this. I know how easy it is to just sink. God bless you for your courage in traversing the chasm, for going out, for “singing”–both, and here.
Thanks, Chad. Your reference to “singing” here as well makes me think of the lyric “Though there’s pain in the offering, blessed be Your name.”
Love that song! (and that was supposed to read “both there, and here”).
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This, “The choice to fight it is a rare and precious gift.” says it all for me. It’s something that people on the outside looking in just don’t understand. The anxiety I have struggled with on and off for several years has reared it’s ugly head lately. Unfortunately it brings on the depression which I try so hard to fight. I understand your struggle. I will pray for you.
The prideful side of me wants to say, “Thanks, but I’m okay today. How about I pray for you instead?” But I think what I need to say, and will say, is this: Thank you. I will pray for you, too.
Side by side…that’s the only way to live together.
Yes.
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Um, you don’t know this, but I get this. Like totally, IYKWIM. I hope you are feeling better today. Look at all of us thinking of you, understanding, praying for you.
Thank you. It’s beautiful, isn’t it, the community that grows when you let each other in to the brokenness?
Ah, the choice. So glad the molecules fell into place for you to see it – and make it. And so glad your friends had the sensitivity to 1.) ask how you were and MEAN it; b.) offer support simply by being present with you in the slough; c) stand with you and sing to God in the middle of all of it. Lovely story – so beautifully told. Thank you.
Thank you, Diana.
Thanks for sharing this. I, too, battle depression and it is encouraging to see your bravery.
I think “bravery” is too generous, but thank you– I’m glad you’re encouraged.
Thank you for this. I have been there as well. Sometimes it seems like all I can do is show up, but God says that can be enough. He blesses that small step, turning it into so much more.
Amen. I marvel.
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I’ve been tired beyond tired for years – have no idea what the point of anything is, but making any steps towards ending it all one way or another would take way too much energy for me. At least I got out of bed today.
T.J., thank you for speaking up through pain. I don’t presume to know any more than you do about the point of anything, but I wonder if perhaps being too tired-beyond-tired to end it all is a real blessing, even if a dark one.
I’m grateful you got out of bed today. It may have felt like nothing, or it may have felt like too much, but it was a step toward *life.* I rejoice for you, even in the darkness. And the darkness will not last.
Hi TJ
I really appreciate you sharing your heart and the bravery it takes to do so…..your courage is inspiring to myself and I know others! Not easy to share transparency so thanks! Hope this helps a bit… When things are tough and you feel little hope, remember this…..”The beauty of the stars is most visible when it’s dark”. @sterrones any time my friend!
Friend, thank you for reaching out here. That step of admitting the pain of depression is more huge than you know. It is a step that so many have trouble taking, but you have faced that bastard of depression in your words and said that you won’t let it own you. Even if it feels like it does, you spit in its face today, I promise.
Please send me or Tamara your contact info – I want to get a copy of the book that Tamara has contributed to. You don’t have to go through this darkness by yourself. There is community available to you, even if it’s just through stories.
Thank you for your courage. Know that you’re not alone.
TJ thank you so much for your bravery! I’m so thankful that you got out of bed. I’m so thankful that you are here! I’m saying a prayer that things get a little easier soon.
If you need someone to stand with you, you can reach me via twitter @Brittanypb.
Hi T.J.!
Thank you for using your voice here today!!! It took courage and guts to share. Your voice will give hope to others by letting them know they’re not alone. Like Tamara, I am celebrating, even in the middle of the darkness, your choice to move forward by getting out of bed today. Hang in there!! I believe in you. Standing with you and praying for you!!
T.J., thank you for your bravery to speak out. Getting out of bed is sometimes too high of a hurdle, but I’m glad that you proved that it is not too high for you. You will make it through this dark season. I have faith in you, and I’ll pray you will keep the faith in yourself.
TJ, thank you for sharing with us. I’m sorry to hear you’ve felt this tired for years. Getting out of bed is a good step. You’re not alone in this. We may not have had the same experiences but there are many who have gone through depression and come out on the other side. I am one such person. I know how hard it can be to choose to get out of bed and to engage with life on some level. But choice by choice, my depression lifted. I pray the same will hold true for you.
T.J. – I am 31 years old. When I was 20, I considered ending it. I am so thankful I didn’t. Please be encouraged my friend. There is hope, even if in a belief. Belief that tomorrow will be better. And that you are not alone. I commit to you a loving, lifting word any time you need it. @caleblaplante
T.J., I too can relate to depression that keeps you from even wanting to get out of bed. I don’t know what the point is either, beyond just plain curiosity about what comes next, but what I do know is that choosing life – choosing to keep going even when it makes no sense – is worth it. You are loved. You are needed. There is a community – right here – standing with you, pulling for you, and praying for you. Be encouraged and stay strong, T.J.!!!
Thanks for your honesty and authenticity bro. You are not alone–in your struggles or in your fight. There are people like me who are standing shoulder to shoulder with you, ready to jump in the trenches for you. I believe in YOU and I believe there are amazing things ahead for you. You rock bro and don’t ever doubt it.
It wasn’t that long ago that I felt that way – not having the energy to end it but not wanting to stay in this pointless existence. I’ve been in that spot several times, in fact. The past few months have seen me staying home from work more often than I go. If my boss was not God-sent, I would not have a job. I don’t know exactly how it works, but I suspect the reason I’m still alive is that the Truth (the One who is also the Way and the Life) lives in me. I invited Him in years before the depression got really bad. Now He doesn’t want to let me go. I don’t always make it the 24 inches to the floor. Today my small victory was taking a shower and all my meds. But I’ll take it. I’ll take it. I pray that you will continue to take the small victories, TJ, until they add up into a big one. I’m praying for us both to do that. Thank you for sharing. I wouldn’t have said anything like this in the comments if somebody else hadn’t done it first. Thanks for that.
T.J. Something like making it out of bed might seem small, but that is a giant step. I have felt(and sometimes still feel) the paralyzing darkness of depression. I am rooting and praying for you. Keep taking those steps, keep moving forward towards a better and brighter future.
TJ. Speaking about the problem is 90% of the battle. Keep going friend, and stay on your knees. God can get you through this, and give you what you so earnestly desire.
T.J.,
I’ve been Seeing that sometimes it takes getting to the bottom of ourselves to really live. When we get to the point where we’re just too tired to exercise control, or even to seek answers, we’re at that quiet place where Grace can be heard, seen, felt, and fully experienced. It all begins with a choice (i.e. getting out of bed) and He’ll do the rest.
Rich blessings as He shows His *point* to you, and you dwell in the quiet to find true peace and joy…
TJ–getting out of bed can be excruciating. But it shows that you have strength to do that much. Rely on others’ strength to help you through this dark period. It seems strange to do that with folks through the internet, but sometimes just knowing that others are sending you thoughts of good-will and health can be enough to give that extra something that’s needed. You are an integral part of the world and how it works.
It breaks my heart to see so many people suffering from depression. I know it’s not for everyone, but some of those suffering may benefit from anti-depressant drugs. There have been great strides lately in medication, and although it may take some trial and error to find the one best suited to you, it may help rid you of this unnecessary and destructive beast. No one needs to, nor should suffer this debilitating disease. Please see a wise doctor and/or counselor to help overcome this affliction. Sending prayers for strength, comfort, and hope to all who suffer.
Perhaps medicine is a tool for some, but ultimately I believe this is spiritual warfare and that God is so much bigger than any medicine or person could be. You’re wise in that seeing a doctor or counselor is a good step to take, prayers are so important. We are so blessed to have His power living in us to pray for another.
T.J. – I too stand beside you with my voice and my prayers to help share your heavy burden, hoping that it lightens the load. I’m thankful you got out of bed and found the strength and courage to post here.
TJ- I am rejoicing with your decision to move forward by getting out of bed. Thank you for being courageous and sharing a bit of your story. You have people who are standing with you and interceding for you. You are loved. You are cherised. You are valued. You are treasured. You are not alone. Praying for you.
I have been where you are right now — struggling to get out of bed. My depression included serious thoughts of suicide. It takes so much courage to get out of bed…but then to lead worship?!?!? I am blown away by your courage. I am in a good place now. Life does get better. And it will for you. And good for you being willing to share it with your friends and to share it on the blog. Praying that life gets a lot better for you soon. Hang in there….
I am so glad you shared you’re story, I am often afraid or unsure about sharing what I struggle with. Your story is very encouraging for me!
TJ – thanks for sharing. I celebrate your choice in getting out of bed. So many times it is the easier to just not fight the battle. I don’t presume to understand your pain or your struggle, but I can say I am “standing” beside you here in affirmation of your courage and heart. One day at a time.
TJ – I know the feeling. I’ve been there for a while too…and just recently I decided to get blood work done for something else, and found out afterwards that I had a condition called “Graves Disease”…and my lethargy and depression was very much influenced by this problem. I don’t know what has brought the struggle you’re having, but perhaps get your body checked out too cos you never know, there might be other factors beyond your control causing this.
Be blesses!
oops…blesses=blessed