This was going to be a story of feminism and self-ownership:
The search for my nose began as a child. Mine was round and very unlike my mother’s regal Roman nose. My birth father was long gone, but old photographs bore evidence of a nose bent and flattened from repeated breaking, a hazard of soccer and Spanish blood run hot. My nose did not have the narrow British look of my grandmother’s nor the prominent Italian bulge of my grandfather’s. It had no match, no ancestry, no belonging.
That may seem an awful lot of meaning to attach to a single facial feature, but I have always been a deep feeler and a meaning-searcher, and even as a child I was never satisfied to look in the mirror and not recognize to whom my nose belonged.
The summer after my junior year of high school I took a trip to Spain, where my birth father’s family still lived. I met my paternal grandfather, a warm and gentle old man, small and gray, limited in English, eyes effusive with love 17 years in waiting. And this lovely old man had a round nose, just like mine.
I was so thrilled that I finally found my nose’s ancestry, that there was a face and a tradition and a culture to go with it. I quit worrying about where my nose came from, and I embraced it as my own.
So when I considered having it pierced, I felt fully within my rights. I’ve thought about having it done for much of my adult life, so earlier this week I decided it was time. I was curious whether my friends would agree that I could pull it off, so I tossed the question out into my social media circles.
I got twenty-six Facebook opinions and several from Twitter as well. Most people thought I should go for it, and I felt confirmed. There was just one problem: My husband hated the idea.
He has no problem with tattoos, mine or in general, so I was surprised that he felt so strongly against what was a much less permanent decoration. But he did feel strongly– he said that it really grossed him out. And of course this aggravated me because it was my nose and I could do with it what I wanted, dammit.
And it is, and I can. But I realized as I looked at the lengthy Facebook post that what twenty-six people think about how I look doesn’t really matter. There is only one person in the entire world for whom I care to be beautiful, and as it turns out, that one person is not me.
This was going to be a story of feminism and self-ownership. But as it turns out, it’s not.
The man who promised to love me for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, the man who continues to love me in my quirkiness and my madness, in my graying and my flabbiness– this is the one person whose opinion on my appearance matters, and the thought of my nose pierced really grosses him out.
So it’s my nose, and I want to pierce it, but I won’t. Because I love the man who would keep on loving me even if I did.
But I am definitely getting another tattoo.
Thank God. Nose rings really gross me out too. I’m not a huge fan of tatoos either, but in either case, of course, it’s up to you. If you did get a nose ring, I’d still love you, I just wouldn’t be able to stand to look at you.
xxxooo
UG
Thanks for sharing this. I really appreciate the different perspectives you wrestle with here. I think these situations get tricky when a spouse demands his/her way or tries to control, but there is something wonderful about feeling free to not do as we like for the sake of a loved one.
And just for me personally, nose rings creep me out too.
:^o )
That’s supposed to be a smiley face with a nose ring…
Ha! Thanks for the illustration.
And…hey…when you’re feeling frisky, there’s always the magnet ones that don’t require the piercing.
(I’m not picturing that you were considering a ring, but a stud, right?)
I love the way you express yourself, Tamara, and I have highest respect for your decision.
Carrie
I think my dear that you have achieved true self-expression when you do not have to be totally free to be totally free. And in all honesty–nose rings gross me out too–and I am told getting the piercing hurts like hell. And what kind of a tattoo?
I have three of them in mind, but the next one will probably be one that represents my kids.
This made me smile because it’s exactly the same here.
I had my nose pierced in my 20s but had to let it close when i got a particularly vile head cold/sinus infection and it became very sore. I’d love to get it done again, I think very small, bejeweled nose piercings are LOVELY, I’m not a fan of the rings.
BUT, I’m a pastor’s wife and I don’t think it would go over well, and my husband is also against it. So I will wait until I get to heaven and hopefully, while getting ready for the Marriage Banquet of the Lamb the following will happen and I will get to finally enjoy some more body decoration:
“I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck. And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth. You ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil. You were exceedingly beautiful…”
-from Ezekiel 16
A girl can dream….
LOVE THESE VERSES!!!
Thank you for sharing them.
I’m with Joy– thanks so much for the verses. If I can’t have the piercing now, though, I really think I’d like the pastry.
Joy & Tamara – You’re welcome about the verses. Pastry – haha! Really – what you said in the end of your original post, T., is beautiful. And those are the thoughts I want to echo in my heart and soul every time the desire to get my nose pierced again rises in me. I want to remember my man and the ministry and to be content with where the Lord has placed me and what He’s given me, which is so much more than a pretty decoration, and worth more.
Blessings~
Great post about love and freedom!
Ok, I’m sorry I tempted you on Twitter today.
I got my nose pierced when I was 26-years-old. I have a teeny-tiny bejeweled stud in my nose…I could never do the ring or anything other than a clear jewel. I was worried about getting it: am I too old, will this impact my role in ministry, what will people say, will it hurt. Ultimately I decided that I didn’t care what people thought, and I got it. But…if my husband would have told me that he didn’t like it, I would not have done it.
No worries! Thanks for reading.
I think pierced noses can look really pretty, depending on the nose. My daughter had hers pierced…twice. It kept getting infected so she let it close up, then tried again many months later. Same thing. Now she has no nose ring…and two tattoos….
But I agree, it’s a small thing to forfeit for that man who loves you!
Are you sure you don’t mean this story of feminism: STORY OF FEMINISM
The tattoo is my husband’s sticking point. I didn’t have the guts to get one before I married him. Now I have cancer, and I’m coming out of my shell, and somehow a butterfly just seems NECESSARY. But not to him. And you’re right. In the end, his opinion is all that matters.
Maybe I should ask him about a nose piercing.
From an old man with a pierced ear and a tattoo:
This is a gift to your husband. It may seem small but it is not… That you want to be beautiful for him… Yes in this age of feminism and self-ownership it may seem old fashion but…
You can buy “things” with money that will always be just “things”. This kind of gift goes so much deeper. You are giving a part of yourself… A piece of your freedom is being given as a gift of love. It reminds me of David when he was offered a piece of land to give to God and he said, “I will not give God something that cost me nothing.” This gift cost you something which adds to its value. Great gift!
Thank you. And now I’m a little teary-eyed.
You weren’t a very good feminist– But it sounds like you were a good wife. : )
great post, Tamara! I like that you are willing to sacrifice some self-expression to express the other side of yourself – the part the loves your husband.
You are gorgeous.
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love your perspective!!!!! put me in check…. my husband makes very few requests of me, but does request i refrain from having a male masusse. (sp) at first it thought this was ridiculous and i was frankly annoyed, but then i began to think. if all my husband requests of me is to not have another man rub on my naked body, well, hey, i think i can do that.
so now, i just make him do it.!!!
always love reading your posts.
thanks!!!!
My husband feels the same way about me wanting to get my full back tattoo…so I probably won’t ever get it. Love this
I like reading your processing here … been there, done that. Not with piercing and tattoos, I don’t want any more pain so I probably will never get either of them, but with other stuff. Sometimes just because I can, doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for our marriage. Thanks for sharing this.
Maybe you could just daily decorate your nose with scotch tape and streamers or something.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I totally needed that laugh today, Kely!
That’s a wonderful idea!
Well, this made me cry. This small sacrifice speaks volumes about how much you love and respect your husband. As Barbara said, “you do not have to be totally free to be totally free” – think of Paul in chains in prison, rejoicing in the freedom and fulfillment he has in being a follower of Christ. Choosing not to pierce your nose for the reason you did does not make you a bad feminist; it just makes you a better human being.
Love, Mum
P.S. I appreciate you referring to my nose as “a regal Roman nose” instead of as “a wicked big one”! ; )
Thank you. This means a lot coming from the good feminist and better human being who raised me. xo
I almost shudder to bring it up, but I believe what you so beautifully illustrated in your post–indeed what you lived out in your relationship with your husband–is what the Bible means when it uses the much-maligned “s-word”: submission. You abrogated your freedom willingly for the sake of love–it was not forced upon you: your love for your husband compelled you.
Of the most egregious sins of the church, is how submission became something other than a freely-given love gift. Not even God Himself forces us to put our faith in Him, to love Him. Why should men try to lord it over their wives? (It is a foolish man indeed who puts his happiness ahead of his wife’s: that is the mutual nature of biblical submission: choosing to sacrifice one’s own desires for love’s sake–whether man, or woman).
Think I’ve said enough there. Great post, and blog!
Thank you.
I think we get freaked out about “submission” because we don’t see it as a freely given gift– we see it as enslavement. If my husband had demanded that I not get the piercing and I had complied, that would have been ugly on both sides. But his not standing in my way despite his displeasure at the idea made me remember how much he loves me, and it made me want to love him back.
i had no idea that so many people were grossed out by nose rings! that’s crazy-talk.
i got mine in college, thinking it would be a last-ditch ode to youth. ten years and two kids later, it’s still mine:)
I love this, friend! This makes you even more beautiful in his eyes. And I know you will feel it.
Exact same situation here. I might go with a magnet once in a while for the fun of it! Because when it comes down to it, you’re right, our husbands matter and should matter above our own desires and wants.
Blessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God
I love this.
That is all.
Tamara, I have to be honest, when I first read the title of this post, I could only think, “No way, you’ve got to be kidding me! What’s so special about piercings?”
If the piercing was truly for you to enjoy, I struggled with the notion that you may become permanently cross-eyed trying to keep an eye on it. Of course compromising by using a mirror to allow you to enjoy the “new” you also brings vanity into question.
Somehow, that just didn’t seem right. So, I appreciate yet again your ability to paint a great picture through a story that takes us through the rationale of your decision and manages to run deeper than I could have expected.
Who would have thought that love would have anything to do with it? Thanks for sharing.
The whole idea of piercing one’s nose has always been a curiosity to me. Do any secretions come out from the perforation in the skin when one sneezes or has a runny nose? I know it sounds silly, but that’s one thing that I’ve always wondered.
Regarding the tattoo, go for it. Do you have any ideas? I’ve done some designs, but they at times look too “biker” or “rocker” cliche. One of my first designs in on my left wrist — a skull with a tribal band and torn-off skin.
Regarding ancestry, I’m part Italian and have the quick temper that Italians have. To give you an idea, my oldest sister and I were often feared. Of course, thirty years later I found out that I’ve got an anxiety disorder (OCD, BPD, etc).
I love this.
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This post triggered a week of discussion in my house, and ultimately resulted in this blog post. I thought you’d get a kick out of it.
http://joyinthisjourney.com/2011/03/a-piece-of-freedom/
Yes, Now I am stalking your posts.
I love me some tattoos, I have many, my husband on the other hand has zero and doesn’t ‘get them’. I have always wanted one on my wrist, nothing big. He told me that he doesn’t mind me getting them as long as they are not on my forearm. Well I had my mind set that I wanted one on my wrist, not my forearm, so I did just that. He came home and I showed it to him and he was NOT pleased. Even though I don’t regret my decision because I love my tattoo, and my thoughts were and still are it’s my body, you didn’t marry me for my tattoos and it’s not changing who *I am*, I wish I would have taken his thoughts into consideration just a bit more. He is now over it but does not like it.
True love…very cool!
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I just found this!! So ..here’s my story – I grew up in Pakistan and got my nose pierced years ago!! Like 27 years ago, way before it made it’s way to this country. Now at 52 I get these looks like “Oh you want to be a cool hippy lady” which is so annoying because this was my thing. It was part of my identity that represented Pakistan and so much that I loved! So that’s my story and I wear a tiny jewel and actually most people love it.
Love it!